Monthly Archives: August 2012

My So Called Mondays: MSCL S1 Ep2 – Dancing in the Dark

Kolleen: Hey everyone! I hope this post is a sign that I’m back into the swing of things. Summer is winding down and things will be a little less crazy. Let’s get into episode 2 of MSCL, “Dancing In the Dark”, which is of course NOT the best Springsteen song ever (that would be “I’m On Fire”).

We open in class, where a bored Angela is ignoring a video about the vastness of the cosmos! She’s too busy lusting after the 3 boys who have kissed her IRL. One was a camp counselor who already had a girlfriend (Angela is a hussy!), one was an usher at a relative’s wedding who had kissed her because he lost a bet (harsh), and the last was a lifeguard who gave her CPR on Labor Day. Um, hello, if you’re half dead it isn’t a kiss.

Angela has never had a boyfriend. This is obvious because when JC walks buy she loses all motor control and starts talking like Rain Man.

In science it’s pig heart dissection time! Angela is sitting next to Brian and she and Sharon keep playing the “I’m looking at you but not really” game. I hate passive- aggressive behavior. Science is not the time to play “I don’t want to say how I feel so please read my mind.”

At home, Patty and Graham get into a fight because even though she’s his boss and they’ll see each other in 40 minutes, she wants a goodbye kiss, dammit. Patty has a lisp that, much like Scully’s from the X-Files, only comes out every so often. I really noticed it here. He kisses her but you know it’s just to shut her up.

It must be lunch time or class skipping time or whatever because Rayanne is beating the hell out of a fruit vending machine. Jordan comes by and asks how much money she lost and she says “none”. THIS is why I love Rayanne. She flies by the seat of her pants– why have the foresight to bring 50 cents to school for an apple when you can just beat the snot out of the machine?  She asks Jordan if he can make Angela a fake ID ASAP and when he asks why Angela didn’t ask him herself, Rayanne says, “It’s a long story. She’s French.”

This is Jordan’s “woah” face

Rayanne gets Angela to bust out of class and Sharon is so disgusted with her, like it’s a mortal sin to skip a pig heart massacre. She’s even MORE disgusted when Brian covers for her. Jelly much, Sharon? You’re just bitter because you’re not awesome. Sharon and Brian get in a tiff and I think it’s because they want to bone each other. Real Talk: I totally WOULD Brian Krakow.

Angela is horrified that Rayanne went behind her back to get her an id from ~Jordan~. Of course she still wants to know everything he said. While she and Rayanne and Rickie are girl- talking Brian comes over to give Angela a hard time about ditching him. Angela’s VO says she hates when people who know you in different ways all cross paths, because you have to create a combination “you”. That’s so true, you guys. I felt this way at BOTH of my weddings. It’s weird to have friends in different circles all congregate in one area. It’s so much harder, of course, when you’re a teen. Brian demands Angela help him work on his apparatus. What a loveable dork.

Rayanne and Rickie come up with an idea that Angela hangs with Brian at his house, and they’ll drag Jordan to Brian’s and maybe they can do it on his bed or something. Rayanne assures Angela that “part of Jordan has part of Angela on his mind, probably”.  She must feel great, knowing that. Angela laments having to obsess while Jordan can have “other things on his mind”. If you’ve seen this show, you know nothing is going on in Jordan’s mind.

Meanwhile Patty and Sharon’s mom are talking about the distance that has come between their two daughters. We find out they were BFFs too, so this Angela- Sharon friendship was obviously one of force. Patty considers cutting her hair short. SNOOZE. Men like long hair and and girls that wear red, but also variety. This is what parents go through? I assure you I am a parent and I do not have these sorts of awful conversations with my friends. They actually compare JANE SEYMOUR’s hair to her success. Then Camille (that’s Sharon’s mom’s name) suggests ballroom dancing to spice up the romance. If my life ever comes to this, please murder my face.

Graham’s younger brother Neil comes over to scrounge a dinner off of the family, they all make fun of Patty, and then he tells Graham he thinks their marriage is perfect. What an odd world these people live in. Then Graham really aggressively says he wants to do ballroom dancing after all. Angela eavesdrops on her parents and to her surprise they think she’s crushing on Brian Krakow. Amazing. They weren’t going to let her go to his house because it’s a school night, but since it’s next door they relent and tell her to be home by 9:30.

Angela is so excited she starts making out with herself in the mirror. Can we all take a moment to notice her Caboodle? I loved my Caboodle.

I bet the whole upper tray is a collection of Lip Smackers

Angela gets to Brian’s and he is all annoyed by her lack of scientific knowledge. She tells him R-squared are coming over to bring her something and he scoffs at her. SCOFFS.

Graham and Patty meet at ballroom lessons and– HEY NOW *record screeches*! Patty gone done cut her hair. AND she’s wearing red. Take that, failing marriage!

Looking Good!

Does Graham like it? His response: “Oh hey, it’s short!” File those divorce papers ASAP, Pats. The lesson begins, and they SUCK at ballroom dancing. The teacher basically makes fun of them to their faces. Their evaluation is that they rush and should be dancing with other people. Patty balks but Graham is like OH HELL YES. Then they embarrassingly fight in front of the instructor.

Rickie and Rayanne show up at Brian’s with Jordan, who causally mentions he may start a band with Tino called “Frozen Embryos”. Oh that Tino. Where is he? I want to see him. Angela has a meltdown over saying hello to him. She dwells on the fact that maybe she just wants an idea of Jordan and Rayanne tells her to shut up because the heart wants what the heart wants. Only she says it in a way that implies that Angela has a secret slut hiding in her soul. Angela goes out and gets in Jordan’s car. She thinks their having an intense moment when he hands her the fake ID. But! Then he kisses her and she pushes him away and he says “whatever”. BUT THEN IT HAPPENS AGAIN. She tells him he has to work up to kissing (?!)! Girl, just give him a handy and get on your way. He says she acts younger than 15 and talks too much. WOW, WHAT A DREAMBOAT. Or a possible sexual deviant. Whatever.

Rayanne and Rickie ask Brian all these questions about his weird mouse-experiment that proves mice can create pressure with their breaths or something, and he gets really annoyed. Rayanne asks him what the point is and he rambles off a bunch of science jargon which makes me think even he doesn’t know. Finally, he concedes that its for extra credit.

Back at the house, Neil and Graham have a heart to heart and Graham tells him he met someone. She hates him because she is so obsessed with him. They haven’t banged or anything but it may happen. He’s supposed to meet her at a motel tomorrow!  Neil is anxious because if they get a divorce he won’t have anywhere to go for the holidays.

Brian finds Angela alone outside and she buggers off. Jordan pulls back up and asks Brian if Tino is there– what? Brian finds Angela’s ID which says she was born yesterday, not 21 years ago. What an idiot, that Jordan. He asks Brian is Angela is from France. I mean really. Brian gives Angela her ID back and she says she won’t take the extra credit.

Of course we have yet another scene of Patty and Graham fighting. They are drifting apart. She wants to know why they can’t even dance together and he says, basically, that she sucks. She then, in a fit of maturity, smashes her beloved Cinderella porcelain doll that her dad gave her. Smooth move, idiot. Somehow, this turns Graham on and they do it.

Post- coitus, Graham pours himself some Sunny D and heats up some spaghetti for Angela. He thinks she went on a date with Brian. Gross! He tells Angela teenage guys don’t have a grasp on talking to teenage girls. Patty comes down and ruins a tender father- daughter moment. So lame. Graham sends them upstairs and then calls his easy lover and tells her he can’t bang her afterall. Angela overhears. DRAMA.

So that’s basically it. I hope Angela and Jordan make out soon, the pressure is killing me! Thoughts?

Letty:  I would have given Jordan a Western Style handjob in his car with no hesitation.   Angela needs to experience the exquisite blend of pleasure and regret that comes from teenage sexual encounters.

DNG S1 Ep10: Rumors and Reputations

Kolleen: Hey everyone! Sorry I’ve been sort of absent. I have a hell of a sinus infection, then I went away for the weekend. But now I’m back, so here’s episode 10 of DGN season 1, which means we are 5 episodes closer to Craig!!

We begin with Emma not minding her own goddamned business for once in her life. I really am aching for season 2, because we will at least get new characters! Ashley, Emma– BORING. Though if I recall correctly, this is the episode Hazel shows up. Anyway here’s Emma dropping something off to Coach A when— oh my goodness:

WHAT

Scandalous! I’m sure this is not at all easily explainable. Obviously Libs and Coach A are doing it in classrooms all over Degrassi.

Now please pay attention so you can realize the full magnitude of how rumors are spread like wildfire throughout high school hallways across the world:

Emma asks Liberty what she was doing with Mr. Armstrong, and Liberty gets really defensive. Emma even tries to read Lib’s email over her shoulder!

-Emma and JT watch Coach A and talk about how nice of a guy he is. He’s helping Sean with his basketball handling technique, but then he walks over to chat it up with Liberty. He slips Liberty a note… weird. JT is oblivious but Emma is onto something.

-Emma asks Manny if Armstrong has ever touched her. Manny is horrified. Emma says Armstrong was touching Liberty. I want to mention that I owned the sweater Emma was wearing in this scene. It was from Express. I loved it. Anyway Manny says Emma probably has the wrong idea. I love sweet, pure Manny. But no, Emma insists.

Give me back my sweater!

-Terri overhears this conversation and tells Paige that she heard Mr. A was coming on to Liberty. By the way, what was up with crimped hair in Canada in the early 2000’s? Was that a thing? Paige says you can’t report a rumor, then she’s a wicked bitch to Mr. A (Coach A, both, whatever). She texts someone…

HAZEL! Yay! Hazel’s here, everyone! Hazel is played by Andrea Lewis and her first speaking role on this show is telling someone on the phone that Liberty and Mr. Coach A were KISSING outside in front of everyone.

Rumor Has It!

Sean overhears this. He elaborates, asking Spinner if he thinks they spent the night together. HE IS DISGUSTED. I like that Sean has morals.

Spinner tells Jimmy that Liberty and Armstrong are “doing it”.

Jimmy emails Ashley about it.

In the student council meeting, everyone is super awkward around Liberty. Liberty thinks that it’s about stolen microphones, but Ashley’s like, oh honey no. Ashley tells her what everyone is saying and Liberty is horrified and runs away.

The next day, Emma, Manny and JT are talking about it like it isn’t yesterday’s news. Should they report it? It’s so disgusting… they’re all so horrified. In walks Liberty and of course she runs away, ashamed, for the 100th time this episode. Emma follows her and says she can confide in her, and Liberty says it’s just a rumor. Emma says they should track down the rumor’s source. Does she have brain damage? Does she not remember YESTERDAY at all? Emma is the worst. Liberty is consorting with the enemy and she doesn’t even know. Now Emma is going to play that “retrace your steps” thing like they did on Sesame Street. And of course, what does Emma learn?

She was the one. She started this rumor. She is GUILTY.

IT WAS YOU.

In math class, Emma is about to confess to Liberty when Mr. Radish comes in and asks if he can speak to Mr. A AND Liberty. Emma is so guilt ridden she bursts into the office and confesses everything!!! Later, she finds Liberty in tears in the bathroom. Liberty yells at Emma because Mr. A almost lost his job and Emma still insists on knowing what was happening in the first place. We learn Liberty has dyscalculia, and he was just helping her with it. She tells Emma to go back to saving whales because she sucks at saving people. This was the moment I fell in love with Liberty a little. She might just make it after all.

In the show’s side story, Spinner (woah, lots of s’s) is DISGUSTED with the cafeteria’s food. SO GROSS. The cafeteria attendant, Sheila, threatens Spinner with VIOLENCE. But gross… there is a BUG in his food. He flings it in horror, so of course Sheila doesn’t believe him.

Paige, Ashley and Jimmy don’t believe him. Jimmy says he saw something, but wasn’t sure what it was. Spinner insists it was an earwig. GROSS. I hate earwigs. Mrs. Quan overhears Spinner and says that he can’t be throwing around accusations all willy- nilly and demands to see the bug, like he kept it or something. Give me a break. I hate this woman, by the way.

Spinner, to prove his bug- story, spends all night collecting earwigs and plans on planting them in the food. Brilliant. He throws them all on Ashley’s food when she’s not looking; she freaks out and dumps over his container of earwigs. And in walks Mrs. Quan. Why couldn’t Spinner just demand a QC investigation into the school food?

As punishment, Spinner has to work in the bug- ridden cafeteria, and no one ever looks into the problem. Jimmy and Ashley laugh at him like he’s an asshole. Cute. The grand irony is that his stunt cost the school $300 to exterminate, but it needed to be exterminated, anyway.

This is an odd episode, something I’ve come to expect from season 1. How is it Emma doesn’t remember spreading a rumor the day before? Why is it no one believes Spinner’s bug story? Oh, to be with Craig in season 2… only a few more episodes.

Letty: Oh Emma, Emma, Emma.  Why are you such a turd?

My So Called Postponement Part 2

Kolleen: Oh man, guys. I had an awful sinus infection last week and then went on a mini- vacation to New Jersey for a horror convention. Now I am 4 days behind on my schoolwork, so I have to postpone MSCL AGAIN. I promise I’ll get to it next week, and I’ll be wrapping up season 1 of DGN this week. Letty’s got some stuff for you too, so just bear with us. END OF SUMMER CRAZINESS Y’ALL.

Did anyone watch the new season of Degreassi? Wasn’t that play the best?!

Letty:  You accidentally typed Degreassi instead of Degrassi and I was going to fix it, but it made me laugh too hard.  Degrassi set at a fast food restaurant?

Kolleen: Le Degreassi, a fine- dining experience.

My So- Called Postponement

Kolleen: Hey everyone! Due to a head cold I will not be reviewing MSCL this week. Tune in next week when I tackle episode 2. Until then I will be overdosing on allergy medication and falling asleep at work! Thanks!

Letty: I am also swamped this week with out of town guests and my son turning one and all.  I will be back on that Dawson Train in no time.

DNG S1 Ep9: Coming of Age

Kolleen:  Hey guys! It’s Jimmy’s birthday!!! This is appropriate because it’s going to be Letty’s son’s birthday and today is my friend Jon’s birthday, so it’s like birthday central over here. I have a head cold and slept until 3pm today, but I will try to be somewhat entertaining.

Jimmy is all about being a man now that he’s turning 14. He invites Ashley over to his house for a birthday feast! She scoffs at the idea of ordering another pizza at the Jimster’s, but he promises his mom is making lobster for everyone. Ashley is shocked. I feel like Jimmy’s parent’s may be a wee bit absentee.  Jimmy kisses Ashley goodbye and she smiles like he just molested her dog and then as he leaves she rolls her eyes like he just farted in her face. She is SICK of him, guys. He’s had dinner at her house every night for the past 8 nights! This totally means he’s being a huge pest and isn’t at all lonely or something.

Dinner? Again? What a pain in the ass!

Ashley feels so suffocated that she lies to Jimmy and says she and Terri are having a girl’s night so please don’t bother coming over.

Meanwhile in Media, Sean has found this cool new website that tells your future based on stars and your birthday and stuff. He’s stumbled onto MissCleo.com! Emma rolls her eyes because Sean is too poor to know what astrology is. Manny wants to know all about her future, and Emma is totally pissed off because they all have an astronomy test in 15 minutes and no one wants to study how many moons Jupiter has (13). Come test time Emma feels like she’s failed and lashes out at Manny. Why is she being such a crab-apple?

At home, Terri and Ashley are all about their girls’ night until she sees Jimmy shooting hoops with Toby. He says to pretend like he’s not there. YEAH RIGHT. She complains to her mom about how she’s so sick of him and her mom reminds her that Jimmy is always alone and has really crappy parents. Ashley is so selfish.

At Emma’s, a horrible soap opera plays: “We are born alone, we die alone, we shouldn’t live our lives alone”. First of all, we are NOT born alone. To be born, one must come out of one’s mother– so that’s instantly “not alone”. Plus there are usually doctors and stuff around. This guys is way off the mark. But Emma is legit SOBBING over it, and into a bag of chips.

;___;

She talks to her mom about how humans are just little specks in the universe, and her mom tells her she totally understands and takes her out for some “retail therapy”. Everything is going well– Emma gets a new sweater!– until this creep ruins everything:

“I’d like a lick of your cone”

He makes a sexual innuendo regarding their ice cream cones and Spike is not happy. She says she knows what he was referring to and guess what, you can’t talk to young women that way! He says he was kidding and she reminds him about rape culture. She tells Emma not to ever let a guy make her feel bad for being a female.

Ashley yells at Toby for having Jimmy over for dinner, and tells Terri she feels so suffocated that she should just break up with him. Toby immediately drops a plate. Now’s your chance, Tobes!

The next day at school Emma is wearing her new sweater with her white skirt. Wait a minute– bitchy attitude, roller- coaster emotions, white skirt… I get what’s happening here. In the halls Jimmy gets bombarded with calls of “Happy Birthday!” and doused with Silly String. Tobes makes some weird analogy to not suffocating the basketball being like not suffocating girls and Jimmy is like “IS THAT HOW ASHLEY FEELS?”. Way to go, Toby, you’re ruining the one good thing Degrassi has.

Sean approaches Emma outside to apologize for looking up interesting things when he should have been helping her learn which planets have rings. She says it’s her fault for acting like a psychopath and asks him to read her horoscope before class. She stands to leave and Manny quickly pulls her down and tells her that it looks like Emma has sat on a severed pig’s head. Emma gets all frazzled and shoos Sean away. Will she be stuck on that bench forever?

Jimmy tells Ashley not to bother coming to LobsterFest tonight, and she’s like, “BUT ITS YOUR BIRTHHHHDAY”. He rolls his eyes at her. How does it feel, Ash? Getting a taste of your own eye- rolling medicine? Meanwhile Emma and Manny are shuffling off to the bathroom with Manny holding a notebook over Emma’s period- stain. She says they should celebrate because Emma is a woman now and can get pregnant. Oh Manny, you are a delight.

Not getting that notebook back.

So now Emma and Manny are trying desperately to figure out how to hide this monstrosity of an event, since it’s basically summer and they have no jackets, and both of their gym shorts are at home being washed. Manny leaves to figure it out and Emma is horrified. They have a big book report to present! Look, here’s some real talk: the same thing happened to me when I was in 8th grade (it wasn’t my first period, but it was a nightmarish one) and I just had someone take me home. Screw the book report, Ems! You’re a woman now, go home and eat some ice cream!

Ashley tells Toby to let the fam know that she’ll be at Jimmy’s for dinner, and he asks her why she’s even bothering when she’s just going to dump Jimmy. He reminds her that it’s totally rude to bring people into your life just to ditch them. I feel like he’s talking more about him mom than anyone here, you know? Poor kid.

Emma is still in the ladies’ room, missing class like a cool kid, when in waltzes PAIGE. Oh god, what bs is Paige going to pull with poor Emma? Shockingly, nothing… she’s actually helpful, handing her a pad (with wings! Always a lifesaver) and telling her how awesome it is be a woman with boobs. Emma says she doesn’t want to turn out like whorish Paige and Paige is like YOU WISH. Manny comes bursting into the bathroom with gym shorts that are at least a size 13XXX. What a help, this girl is. They bust in late to Mrs. Quan’s class, Emma struggling to keep those shorts on.  JT and Toby start cracking jokes and ask her if she peed her pants and she tells the whole class that she just got her period for the first time! What bravery!

“Oh no, she didn’t!”

Sean seems WAY too proud of Emma, and quite frankly a little turned on. It’s sort of bizarre, really.

Jimmy and Ashley show up at his house and no one is there. It’s so sad. He’s so excited and they just totally ditched him. ON HIS BIRTHDAY. He checks his messages and his parents are working late again. Ashley invites him to her house for wings and he says Toby told him she was feeling suffocated and asks if she wants to break up. They have a fight… this is obviously projection. She leaves and he calls the pizza place, and they know him by name! “Yup, the usual, medium pepperoni.” Full circle.

The next day Emma tells Manny that she doesn’t feel any different, but her mom’s rant at that potential rapist inspired her to write up a petition to have a tampon machine put into the girl’s bathroom. I’m pretty sure she could just ASK Mr. Radish but of course everything has to be some weird campaign. Paige signs it, then asks Sean if he wants to sign too (to embarrass Emma, of course). He does, saying if Emma came up with it, it must be good! SWOON.

Jimmy and Ashley meet up at the lockers. She says she doesn’t want to break up and he’s overreacting. He hugs her and tells her he loves her. And once again the episode just ends. This episode tricked me. I thought it would be mostly about Jimmy “coming of age” because it was his birthday, but it was just about Emma’s ruined white skirt. Oh Degrassi, I never know what I’ll get with you!

Letty: Emma is a strong, independent woman who don’t need no man to take care of her.

DNG S1 Ep8: Secrets and Lies

Kolleen: Oh wow! Another goddamned Ashley episode. They should just rename this show ASHLEY: THE NEXT GENERATION. Ashley’s parents are obviously divorced, since we know her mom lives with Toby’s dad. So it’s shocking to see Ashley getting a ride home from her bio dad after a delcious brunch! He is a reporter or something and is going to speak at her school. He’s also pretty hunky. He’s back from a short stint living in London.

As Ashely walks into the house, her mom and sorta- step- dad are fighting over how he never remembers to rinse vinegar through the dishwater. Like an idiot, he never considers HARD WATER. Who does really? Shut it, Kate. Kate also seems verrrry interested in what her ex had to say while at brunch. Is she rethinking her divorce? Maybe she wants to rekindle the romance?

In class, Terri and Ash gush over a locket that used to belong to Terri’s dead mom. Kind of creepy. It has no context to the show other than to shoehorn in the fact that Terri’s mom is dead. Then Mrs. Quan comes in and reminds them all about their test on Lord of the Flies (still? Man, what a rough semester). And she is holding the coolest goddamned poster in the history of posters:

Woah.

Ashley tells Terri about how her mom was asking all about her dad and thinks something is up. Meanwhile in Media Immersion, Toby is basically teaching the class and Emma is grilling Sean about whether or not he wrote a haiku that’s due for Mrs. Quan’s class. Are there only two teachers in this school? Sean doesn’t care at all about haikus, but of course Emma has to recite hers NOW instead of just waiting for class to start.

“Ancient waves so pure/ Lapping on the shores of time/ Early death our fault”

Sean is obviously so bored with Emma. She says the haiku is about our polluted oceans and he says “mmhmm”. I could end the review right there– he’s won at Degrassi. Just tune her out, Sean, and hope that she’ll give it up for you at some point so you can never talk to her again. Luckily before she can go on about holes in the ozone layer JT throws a paper airplane, breaking the magical spell. Mr. Snake is PISSED until Liberty takes the blame. WHATTTTTTT? JT wonders why she would do such a thing and Emma points out that Libs is totes crushing on him. It’s so ~obvious~. This is the same Emma that didn’t realize Toby was renting endangered turtle DVDs to woo her a week ago. Liberty asks if she can interview JT for some reason and JT agrees even though it seems like he’d rather be stabbing himself in the eyes with rusty nails.

In Mrs. Quan’s class, Sean makes everyone’s panties soggy by being a bad boy in poetic form.

Poetry is crime/ No idea how to rhyme/ Such a waste of time

I am a poetry student and I think this is the greatest thing that has ever been written, in my honest opinion. Mrs. Quan LOVES it. Next Libs is up. She recites some awful thing about how JT is cute, but without using his name. Then she makes the googliest of faces at him and he gets super uncomfortable. If I were JT, I would file a complaint with someone.

Shut up Liberty.

Ash’s dad is in Media Immersion talking about how in Kosovo he got shot at and still has shrapnel in his butt. Everyone is all gooshy over him. Man, the hormones are running buck- wild at Degrassi! I’m surprised no one is pregnant yet. Paige wants to bang him and is so confused as to why Ashley’s parents split. Ashley says they just didn’t get along. I’m sure that’s the whole story and he isn’t harboring some deep secret or anything.

JT hides from Liberty in his locker but she still finds him, and he tells her off, using the excuse that he has dance lessons with Toby. She doesn’t buy it, because she’s obviously a homophobe.

Ashley’s dad drives her home and they run into her mom. She wants to catch up with Ashley’s dad and they send her off so they can obviously talk about how shitty her eyebrows are. When he leaves, her mom goes on and on about how handsome and charming he is. Ashley suggests they get back together because they’re all secrety and weird lately, and her mom gets that look moms get when they are about to tell you they slept with your boyfriend. Ash senses something’s up and demands answers. She’s like, “What’s, he like, gay?!” and her mom is like, “YES YOU DUMB BITCH.”

CORE: ROCKED

The next day at school, JT and Toby are discussing with great curiosity how men could make love to other men, because men are gross. Tobes’ sage wisdom: “Some people are just gay, I guess.” Brilliant words from a brilliant man. Terri totally knows something is up with Ashley because she’s sitting alone all dejected like someone told her to fix her eyebrows or something, and wants to know if she can help. Of course PAIGE has to butt in and asks if she can talk. She seems like her normal bitchy self and asks if she thinks Ashley’s stylish dad could maybe be gay. However the grand irony is Paige isn’t being a bitch– she really is trying to help because her older brother is gay! But since Ashley has to be all sensey- defensey, she throws her chocolate milk at Paige, which is of course hilarious.

MILKED’D~~~

Liberty asks Emma if she has a chance with JT. JT is annoyed because she won’t take the hint that he would rather make love to a shag rug then ever touch Liberty. So he comes up with a fool- proof plan to pretend he’s gay so that she’ll leave him alone. Like that will work with no social repercussions at all. He tells her and she thinks he’s joking, but then is super supportive and denies liking him. At least we know Liberty isn’t a homophobe. I hate homophobes. To prove he’s all about men, he later saunters into class like an extra on RuPaul’s Drag Race. She doesn’t buy it.

“Hey, Liberty, girlfriend!”

Ash and her dad have a heart to heart about how her parents wanted to wait til she was older to know that he liked bros, not hos. He had to find himself, even if it meant hurting everyone he’s built a life with. That’s kind of low, but at least he hates himself for hurting them. She seems okay with it. But then she asks if he’s ever banged another dude and he says mostly just his partner Christopher. She realizes he left her family for CHRISTOPHER. He said he fell in love, and that’s all he can say about it. She is DISGUSTED. Maybe it’s just the thought of blonde, mustachioed Christopher, but she yells at her dad for lying to her and runs off.

The next day Liberty is sporting a rainbow ribbon in her hair– she’s really a supportive gal– and suggests that JT come out in the next issue of the Grapevine to be an inspiration for others. He admits he’s not gay and she is sort of pissed that he didn’t just say that he wasn’t interested. In his defense, he DID hide in a closet to get away from her, and she didn’t seem to bat an eyelash. Drastic measures.

Terri tells Ash to get over her dad being gay because Terri’s mom is DEAD and that is WAY WORSE. Then, once more, the episode just ends with Ashley looking all morose and introspective. Man, I can’t wait til Craig shows up. These episodes are killing me. For what it’s worth, this was Jeff (my husband)’s favorite episode to date (he is forced to watch it with me as I review).

Letty: What was Jeff’s favorite part?  Emma’s crimped hair?  JT’s sashaying?  Christopher’s mustache?  OH CRAIG, WHERE FOR ART THOU?  I am tired of settling for Sean.

DNG S1 Ep7: Basketball Diaries

Kolleen: HOLD UP. Is “Basketball Diaries” even a song? I don’t think it is (I could be wrong, feel free to correct me). I know it’s a MOVIE (and a not very good one at that). Dammit DGN, get your crap together!

This is a Jimmy- centric episode, which we DEFINITELY need. We need as much footage of Jimmy walking and running as possible. We open with basketball try-outs. Coach Armstrong says they’re playing Earl Grey soon, and he needs to make 3 cuts. Who will make the team? Jimmy is obviously a shoe-in. I can’t wait for them to play Rooibos Chai later in the season. Jimmy has doubts and skips homeroom to practice more, even though Spinner insists he is “burning up the floor out there”, which I’m pretty sure is a felony, but whatever.

As Jimmy saunters into English, Miss Quan (I think I spelled her name wrong in previous posts– oh well) asks him for his English assignment that she ALREADY gave him an extension on. He is really amped on making the team and is slacking in her class big time, but he says he’s on top of his reading.  I’ll bet you a fiver he isn’t.

Liberty is rushing to get the morning announcements to Ashley. She gets in right before the bell and Ashley gives her the bitchiest look in Degrassi history.

Doesn’t even GAF about the cute joke Libs included at the end

Of course the joke is HILARIOUS (“If you see the Earl Grey team holding lighters, it’s because they always lose their matches”– excuse me while I compose myself) and a huge hit with the kids. Everyone tells Liberty that she should be mad because she does all the work and gets none of the mad swag that comes with doing the morning announcements. Sean tells her not to bother because extracurricular activities are for chumps. Toby points out that he’s going out for b-ball, but Sean says his social worker is making him and he couldn’t give a rat’s a—-

OH! Mr. Snake pops in and cuts off Sean’s swearing. Good thing, he probably would have landed back in juvie or whatever. Liberty says she gets mad that people think Ash is so clever when she’s just reading Liberty’s words, and Manny says “Yeah, a monkey could do that.” WAIT A MINUTE. Was that a racist shot at Liberty? I think it was. Manny is so rude.

Miss Quan opens up the class to a discussion about chapter 8 of Lord of the Flies, which I had to read twice in grade school because I was so gifted. She asks Jimmy about his thoughts and he says “It’s great”. Oh Jimmy COME ON. Do they not have Cliffs Notes in Canada? She asks what character he relates to and he says “the main one. The Lord of the Flies.” She informs him that the LOTF is a severed pig’s head resting on a stake (because of course British kids can’t keep a handle on things for more than 10 minutes while left alone).

“But I really DO feel like a severed head!”

It’s a sad day when SPINNER is telling Jimmy to get a handle on his academics. As they discuss, Spinner’s alarm goes off and he downs a pill. It’s Ritalin, and it makes him a complete zombie, but without it he’s a maniac– it’s why they call him Spinner!

Liberty tells Ashley she wants to read the announcements and Ashley scoffs at her. Remember when your whole life was this chaotic? When you fought about such things as who would read morning announcements at school? Now I stress about paying my car insurance. Oh to be young and stupid. Liberty tells Ashley she is going to go on strike if she doesn’t give her some face time. Liberty says Ashley can do all the research,  it only takes like “an hour a day, IF you’re fast”. Remember the school is running on dial- up so it must be hard to look up whatever the hell they’re talking about. What the hell research do you need to do for morning announcements? At my school it was all “Today’s lunch will be turkey slop. Thank you” (I’m not kidding, every third Thursday was Turkey Slop, and it was the best). Ashley relents because she knows Liberty is going to make a fool of herself.

In the locker room, Jimmy is still stressing about making the team and Spinner is busy reassuring him while touching the same three basketballs on a shelf over and over. I can’t tell if this is a subtle nod to his Ritalin making him ULTRA focused or if he’s just killing time method acting. As Spinner takes yet another pill, Jimmy says he wishes there were a pill he could take to “boost [him] up” since he has to pull an all- nighter for Mrs. Quan’s class. Jimmy, stop being coy and just ask Spinner for a Ritalin already. I hate when people do that “oooh I don’t know what I need to help me but you might know” thing. If you want to steal your friend’s medicine because you can’t handle basketball and Lord of the Flies then at least be a man about it.

Drugs are bad, mmmmkay?

Jimmy finishes his assignment (handwritten on loose leaf– an automatic F in my book) but now he’s dead on his feet. He FINALLY gets the nerve to ask Spinner for his Ritalin. Just this once. Riiiiiiight. “It’s not illegal,” he says. Um, I don’t know about Canada, but in AMERICA swapping pills is most definitely frowned upon. Spinner relents anyway. Have you ever taken a Ritalin pill? It’s not fun. This is not going to end well.

Liberty’s time to shine has arrived! She is ready for the morning announcements. Will she be the next Connie Chung?

The answer is “no”.

We are subjected to 9 minutes of Liberty pretending her face is a glob of silly putty before she realizes she’s on air. Then she reads from the cue cards like she’s Burgess Meredith in “Time Enough At Last”.  Ashley feels so bad. So bad. Everyone in school is making fun of Liberty and she’s running away with her hand over her mouth every two seconds. She does the typical high school girl thing and cries in the bathroom. I never used the bathrooms at my high school. They were disgusting and some of them even had missing doors. In the event I had to use the facilities, I used the nurse’s office, every time. So I really can’t relate to this “having a heart to heart in the bathroom” thing. Ashley finds her there and gives her these comforting words: “You weren’t great, but you weren’t horrible”. Well, at least we know Ash is truthful if nothing else.

Meanwhile that Ritalin has kicked in and Jimmy is acting like any old addict on Intervention, stopping short of picking the invisible bugs off his skin. Of course because he missed a pill, Spinner is ~spinning~ out of control, and at halftime does this awful dance and moons the whole gymnasium. Mr. Radditch (I want to call him Mr. Radish. Can I?) is NOT impressed. Meanwhile Coach A is telling them all to play like a team and Jimmy is just flying off the rails like he’s an extra in that movie Spun.

Shake that groove thang!

Mr. Radish tells Spinner he can’t participate in any after school activities until the end of the semester, and tells him that he’ll have to take his pills in front of the secretary from now on. Sounds rad to me, he gets to get out of class 3 times a day!

On the court, Jimmy is being a ball hog and Coach A is not pleased. Sean gets the ball and Jimmy fouls him on purpose to score some points and win the game. Everyone thinks Jimmy is the man and no one seems to care that Sean is crippled on the floor because he basically tore an ACL or whatever.

Sean is moments away from a season on the bench.

Degrassi won 39-37! But Emma wants to know why Jimmy was acting like a total dick. Liberty shows up on the announcements, calm cool and sure of herself like Ashley taught her, but then she is reminded that she’ll have to wait til next year to do them on the reg, since this is Ashley’s world and Liberty is just lucky enough to be living in it.

After the game Coach A lists of Jimmy’s infractions. They are:

-Showboating
-Ball- hogging
-Blowing plays
-Not being a team player
-Hurting Sean and not caring

Coach A has a zero tolerance policy for violence, and he can’t take a chance on Jimmy’s wildcard behavior. He cuts him from the team, and hopefully Jimmy has learned that drugs are never the answer. I’m really bummed that I didn’t have a Coach Armstrong in my life when I was a teenager, but then again, I hated basketball.

God, I’m glad this episode is over. Where is an episode just about Paige? Or Manny? When will Hazel show up? WHERE IS CRAIG? Since there are only 15 episodes this season, I hope these questions are answered soon!

Letty: Oh Liberty.  Liberty, Liberty, Bliberty.  It’s a shame that Spinner wasn’t on Adderall instead of Ritalin, because that is a much better recreational drug (DON’T DO DRUGS, KIDS) BZZZT, IMPORTANT ALERT: My friend Margaret informed me that she once saw Sean on the subway in New York and he was as moody and smoldering in person as he is on television.