Letty: Terrible news everyone! I was informed that due to licensing issues, that “I Don’t Want to Wait”, is not featured as the DC theme song on Netflix instant watch, so we are stuck with that generic crap about moonbeams and stars or whatever. I never in my life thought I’d miss that grating Paula Cole song, but the opening credits just seem wrong without it. They certainly didn’t have any licensing issues with other songs. I forgot to mention in my last recap that during one scene this gem by goddamned Sophie B. Hawkins was playing:
That song is almost too much to handle, but at least it wasn’t “Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover.”
When we left off Dawson revealed his suspicions about his mother’s infidelity to Joey and Jen was headed home because her shrew of a grandmother was calling her. WOOT! It’s the first day of school! Before heading out to school Jen has a tender moment with her mostly dead grandfather. She pulls his pajama top down and examines his surgery scar, then creepily brushes her fingers against it. Grams pops her head in the doorway and Jen looks up at her and says angelically, “I’m glad I’m here, Grams.” Grams is all like WHATEVS, you’re going to be late for school. Haul your ass into the kitchen for some breakfast. Over breakfast, or lack of breakfast rather, because Jen just wants coffee, Jen and Grams discuss Jen’s new friends. Grams says that Dawson Leery is trouble (RIIIIIGHT), and that Joey is always climbing in and out of Dawson’s window all the time (she has a point there), and that she is a “bad element”. Also that ::GASP:: neither one of them go to church! At that, Jen reveals to Grams that she is an atheist which causes Grams to crap her Depends.
JUMP CUT to the front of the high school. It’s a normal first day of school, kids are milling about, playing frisbee, general 90’s stuff, and freakin’ CHUMBAWUMBA is playing. What does a bad girl like Jen wear on the first day of school? Why, a SKORT of course. My husband Chad was watching this with me and he commented, “You can’t trust a girl wearing a skort. They are masters of deception. You think you are getting one thing, but then they turn around and it’s another.” I am pretty sure I wore a black and white checkered skort on my first day of high school. I will have to double check my photo album.
Anywho, Pacey is in class goofing around, balancing a book on his head, when that sultry fox from the video store, Tamara Jacobs, walks in. It turns out that she is Pacey’s teacher. WHO COULD’VE SEEN THAT COMING?! In another classroom Jen walks in and sits next to unwelcoming Joey. Jen is cheery and says to Joey, “I was hoping we’d have a class together.” and Joey gives her the facial expression equivalent of a fart and says, “Here we are.” They are going to be good friends. Meanwhile, Dawson walks into a film class and cockily says, “Psycho.” after seeing the famous mother reveal scene on the classroom television. The film teacher, Mr. Gold, is all like, “Oh, you know the film.” and Dawson smugly states some trivia about the movie like he is goddamned Robert Ebert or something. God, the look on Dawson’s face. I wanted to jump into my television and roundhouse him in the jaw.
Mr. Gold is not at all impressed by Dawson’s squawking and asks who the hell he is and if he’s going to be in his class. Dawson said that someone made an error and he was denied admittance into the film class. Mr. Gold explains that the class is only for upperclassmen and asks why Dawson wants to be in the class so badly anyway. Cue the irritating speech about how film is Dawson’s passion and it’s his life’s ambition to be a film maker and blah de blah de blah. WE GET IT, YOU LIKE MOVIES. Mr. Gold (god bless him) is nonplussed and basically tells him to sod off and come back next year. DEAL WITH IT.
Outside in the hallway Jen and Joey are leaving class. Jen out right asks Joey if she and Dawson are diddling and Joey says they are just friends and Jen says, “like we’re gonna be, I hope.” causing Joey to throw her some SERIOUS side eye. Jen tells Joey about the things her Grams said about her and Joey confides that she is sort of a black sheep because her dad is in jail for selling weed, her mom is dead, and her sister is preggos with a black dude’s baby. You know, just some light, casual conversation between classes. After revealing everything about her life to Jen, Joey then mumbles out the side of her mouth, “He likes you, you know.” and Jen is like, “Who, the black boyfriend?” and Joey retorts, “No, ya dumb bitch, Dawson.” Okay, she didn’t say that, but she should have. Instead she says some crap about don’t abuse his feelings or something, then brusquely walks away.
In the cafeteria, the Joey, Dawson, and Jen are having lunch together. Dawson and Jen make cute while Joey rolls her eyes at them. I really can’t blame her. Over in Teenboy Fantasyville, Pacey is BLATANTLY hitting on Ms. Tamara Jacobs and finds out that she is going to the movies that night. Later Pacey tries to convince Dawson to accompany him to the movies so he can stalk Ms. Tamara Jacobs and perhaps lose his virginity in a “high level fantasy fashion”. Dawson tells him that is highly unlikely, but agrees to go along with Pacey to the movies. Amazingly enough, Dawson musters up enough balls to ask Jen to join him at the movies that evening. Before Jen can answer the show cuts to Joey walking next to the creek, Dawson nearly runs her ass over with his bike then has the gall to tell her he has a “semiquasi date” with Jen and asks if she will act as Pacey’s faux date. Joey rightfully tells him to go to hell but Dawson begs. You know you can’t say no to JVDB so Joey eventually breaks down and agrees to go to the movies with them.
Jen is getting ready for her date and has another awkward conversation with her Grams about church. Jen says she will go to church with her Grams when she says the word ‘penis’. Of course, Grams being an ‘ole stick in the mud stands with her mouth agape (ready for a penis?) and watches Jen leave for her date. Terribly enough, this is better than the conversation Dawson has with his dad before his date, which entails his dad telling him to “play safe”, and Dawson going on an unrealistic tirade about how all everyone focuses on is sex SEX SEX. This, THIS, coming from a 15-year-old boy. His dad says that sex is an important part of human nature, and Dawson asks why if sex is so important then why doesn’t Spielberg feature it in his films. Apparently Dawson has never seen the director’s cut of Schindler’s List, which features a HUGE orgy scene.
Before we can carry on we have to talk about the outfit Dawson has chosen to wear on his big date. He is wearing what looks to be linen pants, and a sweater that is six times too big. He looks like a reject member of the Backstreet Boys, like he can only sing the bass parts and can’t dance. He looks like a back alley massage therapist. He looks vaguely Belgian. Is this how boys dressed in 1998? CAN SOMEBODY WEIGH IN ON THIS IMPORTANT MATTER?
Down the creek, Joey is rushing out for her date (also wearing questionable clothes), when her sister stops her and tells her to lose her crappy attitude. Then her sister manhandles her face, produces a lipstick from thin air, and roughly applies it to Joey’s lips.
Now the whole DC gang is walking down the street to the movies. Joey is being a Grade A bitch to Jen, even asking if Jen is a virgin, before divulging that Dawson still has his v-card. Joey claims she was just trying to “cut to the chase” and that two virgins would probably have awkward sex. Jen says that she is in fact a virgin (no comment) and Joey quips that she lost her hymen years ago to a trucker named Bubba. Dawson is none too pleased with Joey’s shitty conversation skills and wants to punch her in the face for being a major twat. Luckily they arrive to the theater before Joey can ask Jen if she’s ever been fingerbanged. Everyone takes their seats and Pacey spots Ms. Foxy Tamara Jacobs walking down the aisle to sit up front. He and his boner excuse themselves and follow her to her seat. Concurrently, Dawson is hovering his hand over Jen’s trying to get the nerve to grab it. Joey spies this and flips the fuck out. She asks Jen if she is a “size queen” and Jen calmly retorts that as a virgin she hasn’t really thought about but asks Joey how she feels about penis size. Dawson drags Joey out into the lobby, with Joey screaming about Dawson’s long fingers. I sincerely feel sorry for the other patrons in the theater. BTW, the movie that was playing was “Waiting for Guffman”–good flick.
Down front Pacey plops his ass down next to Ms. Foxy and tries to seduce her with Milk Duds (would’ve worked on me). Ms. Foxy Teacher’s date arrives and Pacey still doesn’t get the hint and won’t leave. Some wackiness ensues and popcorn ends up getting spilled all over the dude behind him, who is rightfully pissed off about people having a full volume conversation in the movie theater, and he punches Pacey in the face. FINALLY SOMEONE GETS PUNCHED IN THE FACE.
Outside in the lobby, Dawson and Joey are having a sexual tension filled argument. Joey is reaming Dawson, telling him that he is living in some sort of fairy tale, and to grow up and stop living in the movies. Then she storms out, leaving Dawson and his hair to think about what she said. Guys, Katie Holmes was acting in this scene. Brava, woman. After this crapfest of an evening, Dawson walks Jen home and they have an awkward parting conversation. Dawson goes in for the kiss but Jen decides to yammer on about how Dawson is a cool, talented guy, with clear skin instead of giving him some sweet tongue action. The porch light flicks on and Grams is standing there like one half of the American Gothic painting, so Jen thanks Dawson and runs in while he’s fumbling pathetically. She tells him, “I’m just going to pretend we kissed.” Like that’s going to help anything. The poor boy is probably already at half mast.
Poor poor Pacey is walking along dejectedly down by the marina, when who should he see but Ms. Foxy Tamara Jacobs. She flutters over him, asking if he is okay, but Pacey ain’t gonna take no shit. He chastises her and gives a speech worthy of Julia Sugarbaker, ending with this golden line, “Well, let me tell you something, you blew it, lady, ‘cause I’m the best sex you’ll never have.” and IT TOTALLY WORKS!
Pacey’s mouth must’ve tasted like Slim Jims, because after they pull away Ms. Foxy Tamara Jacobs looks downright disgusted. She sputters apologies and runs away into the night, leaving a smarmy Pacey on the dock with the stench of cougar and satisfaction wafting all around him.
Dawson trudges home up to his room only to find Joey hiding in his closet. They apologize to each other, talk about their budding feelings, but agree that things can’t go any further between them. ::rolls eyes:: Joey gets up to leave, and Dawson asks where she’s going. I’m pretty sure that we already covered that,bro. Joey says she can’t sleep over anymore and there are things they just can’t talk about. Dawson balks at this notion, and Joey responds by asking Dawson how often he “walks his dog”. Dawson stalls and Joey interrogates further about his jerking off habits. When Dawson still doesn’t answer, Joey’s face crumbles and tears glint in her eyes as she bids her goodbye and climbs out his window. (This is ridiculous by the way.) A broken Joey crosses Dawson’s yard and gets into her boat as Dawson bangs his head against his closet door. As if this wasn’t all as dramatic enough, The Pretenders “I’ll Stand by You” is blaring the entire time, all this , ALL THIS, because Dawson wouldn’t talk about jerking off. Joey is untying her boat, ready to make that sad row back home, when Dawson leans out the window and YELLS, “Usually in the morning, with Katie Couric.” HELLS YEAH. Joey giggles, satisfied with his response and rows off. But Joey doesn’t get far when she hears a car door slam, she looks up and sees Dawson’s big haired mom kissing her co-anchor. DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN. End episode.
Holy crap. I did it. Over 3,000 words later, I did it. Guys, this was much more trying than I thought it would be. But I think I can do it. I can power through. This picture of Joey sums up my feelings on the entire ordeal.
But we can do it, TOGETHER. TOGETHER.
Kolleen: Letty, I applaud you. There really isn’t much to be said that you didn’t already say, but can we talk about how both shows we reviewed beyond DGN have adulterous adults? No wonder these teens are climbing into windows and going to raves and jerking off to Katie Couric and making out with teachers and black out while drinking. I HAVE SO MUCH RESIDUAL ANGST!
And also, that Dawson’s outfit is so bad, even the newscaster on the television is giving him the evil eye.
Tune in tomorrow, readers, when we go back to DGN. Every post is a post closer to Craig.