Kolleen: Oh wow! Another goddamned Ashley episode. They should just rename this show ASHLEY: THE NEXT GENERATION. Ashley’s parents are obviously divorced, since we know her mom lives with Toby’s dad. So it’s shocking to see Ashley getting a ride home from her bio dad after a delcious brunch! He is a reporter or something and is going to speak at her school. He’s also pretty hunky. He’s back from a short stint living in London.
As Ashely walks into the house, her mom and sorta- step- dad are fighting over how he never remembers to rinse vinegar through the dishwater. Like an idiot, he never considers HARD WATER. Who does really? Shut it, Kate. Kate also seems verrrry interested in what her ex had to say while at brunch. Is she rethinking her divorce? Maybe she wants to rekindle the romance?
In class, Terri and Ash gush over a locket that used to belong to Terri’s dead mom. Kind of creepy. It has no context to the show other than to shoehorn in the fact that Terri’s mom is dead. Then Mrs. Quan comes in and reminds them all about their test on Lord of the Flies (still? Man, what a rough semester). And she is holding the coolest goddamned poster in the history of posters:
Ashley tells Terri about how her mom was asking all about her dad and thinks something is up. Meanwhile in Media Immersion, Toby is basically teaching the class and Emma is grilling Sean about whether or not he wrote a haiku that’s due for Mrs. Quan’s class. Are there only two teachers in this school? Sean doesn’t care at all about haikus, but of course Emma has to recite hers NOW instead of just waiting for class to start.
Sean is obviously so bored with Emma. She says the haiku is about our polluted oceans and he says “mmhmm”. I could end the review right there– he’s won at Degrassi. Just tune her out, Sean, and hope that she’ll give it up for you at some point so you can never talk to her again. Luckily before she can go on about holes in the ozone layer JT throws a paper airplane, breaking the magical spell. Mr. Snake is PISSED until Liberty takes the blame. WHATTTTTTT? JT wonders why she would do such a thing and Emma points out that Libs is totes crushing on him. It’s so ~obvious~. This is the same Emma that didn’t realize Toby was renting endangered turtle DVDs to woo her a week ago. Liberty asks if she can interview JT for some reason and JT agrees even though it seems like he’d rather be stabbing himself in the eyes with rusty nails.
In Mrs. Quan’s class, Sean makes everyone’s panties soggy by being a bad boy in poetic form.
I am a poetry student and I think this is the greatest thing that has ever been written, in my honest opinion. Mrs. Quan LOVES it. Next Libs is up. She recites some awful thing about how JT is cute, but without using his name. Then she makes the googliest of faces at him and he gets super uncomfortable. If I were JT, I would file a complaint with someone.
Ash’s dad is in Media Immersion talking about how in Kosovo he got shot at and still has shrapnel in his butt. Everyone is all gooshy over him. Man, the hormones are running buck- wild at Degrassi! I’m surprised no one is pregnant yet. Paige wants to bang him and is so confused as to why Ashley’s parents split. Ashley says they just didn’t get along. I’m sure that’s the whole story and he isn’t harboring some deep secret or anything.
JT hides from Liberty in his locker but she still finds him, and he tells her off, using the excuse that he has dance lessons with Toby. She doesn’t buy it, because she’s obviously a homophobe.
Ashley’s dad drives her home and they run into her mom. She wants to catch up with Ashley’s dad and they send her off so they can obviously talk about how shitty her eyebrows are. When he leaves, her mom goes on and on about how handsome and charming he is. Ashley suggests they get back together because they’re all secrety and weird lately, and her mom gets that look moms get when they are about to tell you they slept with your boyfriend. Ash senses something’s up and demands answers. She’s like, “What’s, he like, gay?!” and her mom is like, “YES YOU DUMB BITCH.”
The next day at school, JT and Toby are discussing with great curiosity how men could make love to other men, because men are gross. Tobes’ sage wisdom: “Some people are just gay, I guess.” Brilliant words from a brilliant man. Terri totally knows something is up with Ashley because she’s sitting alone all dejected like someone told her to fix her eyebrows or something, and wants to know if she can help. Of course PAIGE has to butt in and asks if she can talk. She seems like her normal bitchy self and asks if she thinks Ashley’s stylish dad could maybe be gay. However the grand irony is Paige isn’t being a bitch– she really is trying to help because her older brother is gay! But since Ashley has to be all sensey- defensey, she throws her chocolate milk at Paige, which is of course hilarious.
Liberty asks Emma if she has a chance with JT. JT is annoyed because she won’t take the hint that he would rather make love to a shag rug then ever touch Liberty. So he comes up with a fool- proof plan to pretend he’s gay so that she’ll leave him alone. Like that will work with no social repercussions at all. He tells her and she thinks he’s joking, but then is super supportive and denies liking him. At least we know Liberty isn’t a homophobe. I hate homophobes. To prove he’s all about men, he later saunters into class like an extra on RuPaul’s Drag Race. She doesn’t buy it.
Ash and her dad have a heart to heart about how her parents wanted to wait til she was older to know that he liked bros, not hos. He had to find himself, even if it meant hurting everyone he’s built a life with. That’s kind of low, but at least he hates himself for hurting them. She seems okay with it. But then she asks if he’s ever banged another dude and he says mostly just his partner Christopher. She realizes he left her family for CHRISTOPHER. He said he fell in love, and that’s all he can say about it. She is DISGUSTED. Maybe it’s just the thought of blonde, mustachioed Christopher, but she yells at her dad for lying to her and runs off.
The next day Liberty is sporting a rainbow ribbon in her hair– she’s really a supportive gal– and suggests that JT come out in the next issue of the Grapevine to be an inspiration for others. He admits he’s not gay and she is sort of pissed that he didn’t just say that he wasn’t interested. In his defense, he DID hide in a closet to get away from her, and she didn’t seem to bat an eyelash. Drastic measures.
Terri tells Ash to get over her dad being gay because Terri’s mom is DEAD and that is WAY WORSE. Then, once more, the episode just ends with Ashley looking all morose and introspective. Man, I can’t wait til Craig shows up. These episodes are killing me. For what it’s worth, this was Jeff (my husband)’s favorite episode to date (he is forced to watch it with me as I review).
Letty: What was Jeff’s favorite part? Emma’s crimped hair? JT’s sashaying? Christopher’s mustache? OH CRAIG, WHERE FOR ART THOU? I am tired of settling for Sean.