Letty: AND WE’RE BACK. It was my intention to write like two more posts last week, so we could catch up a bit before Monday’s new episode aired, but instead I watched episodes of Salute Your Shorts (kinda holds up), played Candy Crunch Saga, and drank a lot of Prosecco. What do you want from me? I am not a machine. Sunday I finally got around to watching episode two. It didn’t blow my mind, but I liked it. This show is so earnest y’all, SO DAMNED EARNEST.
We open with mega close up shots Sebastian and Carrie’s staring adoringly at each other. We get multiple lingering shots of their eyes and mouths. I guess to remind you that youth is fleeting or something. These two people are so very pretty. Annasophia Robb’s eyes are tremendously gorgeous. They make mine look like two dog turds shoved into some eye sockets.
Green eyed lady, lovely lady. (Yeah I just quoted a Sugarloaf song, who’s gonna know? YOUR DAD?!)
Carrie and Sebastian are mostly a couple. She is still grounded so they can only see each other during school. They don’t really get anytime alone because that twazzer Donna is always in the way. Sebastian is about to kiss Carrie up against a door when it opens and Carrie’s friends, Mouse (the Asian), Walt (the closeted gay), and Maggie (who I previously dubbed Makeup Face) appear. If I were Carrie I would have given them all a verbal dressing down at lunch for ruining her hallway make out opportunity. Making out in the hallway gives you a lot of high school street cred. It’s classy.
Back at home, Carrie explains in her voice over that being grounded isn’t actually so bad because it has brought her closer to her little sister Dorrit. They are just palling around, washing the car, spraying each other with water. I find it all pretty boneriffic, really. Many a Cinemax movie of my youth had scenes that started just like this but ended very differently. Vanilla dad comes out and notices that his daughters are bonding. He just can’t help but get in the spirit and sprays both of his teenage daughters down with the hose. Oh Bradshaw family, you are the epitome of fun!
Later that evening Carrie is up in her bedroom talking to Sebastian on the phone. Since he is a bad boy rich kid, he is trying to get Carrie to sneak out to have dinner with him and his parents at the Country Club. There is a lot of sensual rubbing in this scene, so much so that they have to split the screen to show all feet rubbing and phone cord stroking that is going on. I think it’s supposed to symbolize something guys, kind of like the burning trees in Nathaniel Hawthorne’s “Young Goodman Brown”. Do you think she’s going to sneak out? I certainly would. But Carrie is a good girl of course, so she resists Sebastian’s temptations.
Yes, rub my children, fumble and trace your fingers leisurely along your bedspread. Yes. Yes. ::waggles eyebrows::
Also resisting temptation is gay boyfriend, Walt. Maggie is trying her damnedest to give him a blowie and he is outright turning her down. I don’t know why he can’t just imagine that it’s Jake Ryan knobbing on his bob, but he tells Maggie that he wants their first time to be special, not in her bedroom while her parents are in the other room watching television. This doesn’t seem to set off any alarms for Maggie, as she must not know any other teenage boys. Walt is so handsome and sweet though, I wish I had a gay boyfriend.
Sebastian is having dinner at the Country Club with his family, when who walks in? That megahooch Donna LaDonna of course. It’s like she has Terminatwhore vision, she sets her sights directly on Sebastian and goes in for the kill. Once seated, Donna entertains the entire table with a compelling story about her tiny gold bikini. All the men at the table are riveted, except for Sebastian. He is pouty. He thinks the Country Club is LAME, but Donna says that perhaps he just hasn’t seen it through the right eyes, and offers him a tour. He accepts, because he is not an idiot, and is spied leaving with Donna by Mouse who is also at the Country Club having dinner with her family. Mouse is a good friend, and calls Carrie immediately to alert her that Donna has dug her harlot talons into Sebastian. Carrie is right to be worried, because boy howdy, does Donna have some big ‘ole DSLs and no doubt knows how to use them.
Once outside, it’s NO HOLDS BARRED. They smoke a joint, have a beer, and Donna is almost literally throwing herself at Sebastian. She does the ‘ole “lay your head in a dude’s lap” thing and even proclaims that she lost her virginity on the bench they are sitting on. HOLD UP. Who loses their virginity on a bench?!?! That shit is trashy. I am tres impressed. Mouse, on the phone with Carrie, backpedals some because she got Carrie all worked up into a moderate frenzy, and tells her to just talk to Sebastian at school the next day. Asians are very reasonable people.
Well, it’s the next day at school and Carrie is walking with Sebastian and asks how his evening was. He claims it was “uneventful”, but then Donna strolls up with her minions looking all smug and shit, and hands Sebastian his jacket. She purrs, “Thanks for warming me up.” while looking directly into Carrie’s sad face. Well played Donna, well played indeed. Sebastian apologizes, and via flashback we see that Donna went in for the kiss and Sebastian rebuffed her. What a good dude! He admits to smoking pot, but that he didn’t want Carrie to know. See, Sebastian just has to let loose and party sometimes, he is a man, and has partying needs. He asks Carrie if everything is okay with them, and her mouth says yes, but her face says NO, no, No. BTW, this entire conversation took place while Carrie was wearing this gem of an outfit:
Carrie and her friends are at lunch and they are advising her what to do with Sebastian. Maggie says she needs to make more time for Sebastian and get on with the boning already. They diss the predatory Donna some more and Walt sits there and looks uncomfortable. Later Carrie placates poor Maggie by saying she is sure that Walt really is waiting for the right time to slip it in.
Later that day, or the next day or whatever, I wasn’t really paying attention, Carrie is at her internship. She overhears her shrew of a coworker, Barbara, talking about a hot date she has that evening. Barbara gives Carrie a shit ton of work and leaves. Once Barbara leaves, Carrie immediately makes a phone call to Larissa, her smoking hot British black friend who works at a magazine. Larissa answers on her Zack Morris type cell phone, which lead me to look up when the first cell phone was made (1973 ~the more you know~), and tells Carrie that they need her splatter purse for the photo shoot TODDDDAY. Carrie has to decide what to do, should she stay and do all that boring office work, or book it to some burrough to bring Larissa the purse? Duh, the title of this episode is “Lie to Me” so she lies to Barbara and tells her some crap about taking some files to the printer and takes off. Before she leaves, she gets a phone call from Sebastian, and he invites to a BLUE OYSTER CULT concert! ::swoon:: Sebastian, I’m burning, I’m burning, I’m burning for you. She gets caught on the phone by Barbara, who tells her that the work must be done by sometime in the afternoon and to bring her some Chinese food on the way back from the printers. Gotta pregame for that date, huh Barbara.
Back at school, so I guess it is the same day, Maggie is being all sexy like with Walt. Poor poor Maggie, she just wants to get hers, and Walt pushes her away and tells her to stop acting so desperate. Shit man, that is UNACCEPTABLE, Walt. I understand your plight, but you just don’t say that to a girl! Walt stalks off and Maggie looks after him dejectedly and slumps her way down the stairs like an undersexed Eeyore.
Dontchu worry girl, you’ll get yours.
MONTAGE! Carrie is at the fashion shoot and it is oh yeah whoo super eighties fun! Carrie immediately gets distracted by all the colors and glamour. She is standing there holding a zebra by the leash when she remembers that she has shit to do! Before she leaves, Larissa gives Carrie the sage advice of, “Fake it til’ you make it” and a fugly Dior scarf. Thanks Larissa, you are a great role model. Well, Carrie hustles her cute little ass back to the office, and she is only thirty minutes late.
Carrie Bradshaw blow up doll
I am routinely thirty minutes late everywhere I go, so I applaud Carrie for being on time. Carrie’s dowdy coworker Barb is less pleased though, and accuses Carrie of cruising by because she is young and cute. Carrie shows that broad what’s up though, because she completed all of her designated tasks (and more!), then gives Barb the fug ass scarf for her hot date. Fake it til’ you make it Care Bear!
At home, Carrie shows Walt a picture from the shoot. It’s not even a Polaroid, so I don’t know how she got it. It’s the 80’s REMEMBER!? Dorrit is upstairs with her super cool friend, hanging out and putting on copious amounts of eyeliner. Super cool friend wants to hang out, but Dorrit says she has to hang out with her SISTER at the swim club instead. Downstairs, Mouse shows up and alerts Carrie that Donna is really working it when it comes to Sebastian. She even had the gall to give Mouse a fake compliment. BIIIIITCH. She tells Carrie she needs to get on that shit FAST, so Carrie decides to add another another fib to her web of lies, and the next day, tells Sebastian to meet her at the swim club, where she told her Dad she’d be. That’s not so much of a lie really, just leaving out some key information. Dorrit is disappointed to find that her sister has dissed her for some dude at the swim club and skulks home.
Meanwhile, Walt finally decides he’s ready to smash Maggie and get it over with, but ‘ole Mags is getting her rocks off with some cop. Apparently this was established last episode, but I somehow missed it. After Maggie and the cop bangarang, she asks him to “lie with me” which is the title of the episode! I love/hate when they do that! While Maggie is getting hers, Carrie is at the swim club having more wet kisses with Sebastian. I hope they somehow manage to squeeze in sexy pool make out scenes in every episode, because I dig them.
Anyway, they are hardcore smooching, when bland Dad walks in. He was concerned about why Dorrit came home early and went down to the swim club to see what happened. Dad is understandably bummed that his precious daughter lied to him and they are walking to the car when Sebastian comes out to apologize. He introduces himself and gives Dad a firm handshake (he can give me a firm handshake anytime, amirite ladies?). It turns out that Dad knows Sebastian’s father, and just like that, well, after a heart to heart, he forbids Carrie to see him.
It is dark now, and a very doleful Walt has been waiting outside of Maggie’s house for seemingly hours. He admits that he just doesn’t love her and that they should break up. Even though she was just getting stuffed by a cop, she is very upset. She says she will change (oh girl, no) and Walt is like, “Can you change your vagina into a penis?”. Then we all have them feels. Poor Maggie and Walt, I’m sure they will find ~happiness~ in due time.
The next morning Carrie tries to make up for her bad behavior by making her dad a couple of poptarts, frosted strawberry, his favorite (mine too, me and bland dad are soul mates!). All it takes is breakfast pastries and forbidding your daughter to date someone to bring a family together. Later that evening, Carrie puts the picture of her purse in her diary, then goes to makes amends with Dorrit and asks if she wants to watch a movie with her. Carrie suggests The Wall and Dorrit says, “What’s the point if you’re not stoned?” YOU’RE SO RIGHT DORRIT. Dorrit instead offers up a bootleg copy Purple Rain which I highly approve of. I was once Purple Rain era Prince for Halloween, and the resemblance was uncanny. They are all settled in to watch the movie when Sebastian shows up at the door to take her to the Blue Oyster Cult concert. She tells him that she can’t go, and he is cool with it, probably because Donna is waiting legs spread in the backseat of the car. After the movie Maggie shows up and tells them that Walt broke up with her, and they all commiserate over saltine crackers and jelly. I think maybe Walt actually broke up with Maggie because she is a behemoth. Look how she towers over her friends!
You are crushing me.
Anyway, cracker sandwiches, friendship, 80’s, YAY! Dorrit calls them all lame, and I agree, but was jealous of their saltine sandies. Onward and forward to episode three!
Number of times I was distracted by Carrie’s hair: 5
Number of sweaters that I wish I owned: 17
Number of sweaters I do own: 1
Number of times I was impressed by Donna’s bawdiness: 69
Kolleen: One thing is certain, I love everything Carrie wears. If she had worn clothes like this in the original show, I would have watched it a lot more. Or ever. Also, I lost my virginity the way respectable ladies do– by waiting until my dad left the house. Unfortunately for my gentleman caller, he came back for a bit and I had to hide my suitor in the closet on the hottest day of the year. For an hour. Sorry about that, buddy.