The Carrie Diaries S1 E1 “Pilot”

Okay, let me preface this by saying I am not a big fan of Sex in the City, in fact, we can go as far as to say that  I despise Sex in the City.  I do not give a shit about Charlotte or Samantha, and I think Sarah Jessica Parker’s face kinda looks like a foot.  An attractive foot, but a foot.  When women were running around WEARING SHIRTS that said, “I’m a Miranda” or “I’m a Samantha”, it made me genuinely concerned about society. So it is with much trepidation that I enter the world of a young Carrie Bradshaw.   There has been a positive response and it seems like people have really been digging on this show, so I have been wooed into watching it.  It is about teenagers and set in the goddamned 80’s, so let’s ride this horse!  I’m ready to rodeo.  There have been four episodes aired already, so we’re going to do a little bit of catch up.  Let’s jump in, shall we.

The show opens with the signature Carrie Bradshaw voice over.  This bitch never stops narrating shit in her head.  It is a constant stream of consciousness like that William Faulkner book you had to read in high school (I know the title, but I am being purposefully daft.) If my inner thoughts were voiced, then everyone would know just how much I liked hot dogs and William Zabka.   Anyway, Carrie, played by AnnaSophia Robb (who looks distractingly like a young, fresh Lohan sibling), wakes up from a recurring dream.  She’s dreaming big, dreaming of the BIG APPLE THAT IS. Right now it is 1984  and she’s living  in Connecticut.  It is the first day of her junior year and Carrie wants to be a writer, she says the key to being writer is “figuring out who you are, finding your voice”. I guess that makes me a 12-year old mean girl stuck in a 30 year old’s body, but we all knew that.  To remind everyone that it is the 80’s Modern English’s “Melt With You” plays in the background as Carrie roots around in her closet for an outfit.  ~*TYPICAL CARRIE*~

We find out that Carrie has a sister named Dorrit, which I didn’t know was a name until I watched this show.  Dorrit is 14, and looks like she likes The Smiths.  Carrie stalks into her sister’s room looking for mom’s purse.  She finds pot in the first drawer of her sister’s she opens, so we know that Dorrit is a rebel.  After that Carrie and Dorrit have a mini slow-motion cat fight over mom’s purse that is really odd, but I LIKE IT.

Oh those Bradshaw sisters!

Oh those Bradshaw sisters!

It turns out that mom’s purse is a big deal because Carrie’s mother passed away 3 months ago from cancer.  Carrie and her blandly attractive father (Matt Letscher) have a tender talk about how she has nothing to wear to school because her mother was the one who used to take her back to school shopping. Dad lets her pick out something from her mom’s untouched closet, and pointedly tells Carrie that she can’t wear a certain green and white dress because it is the dress her mom wore on her last birthday.  Carrie picks out a pair of  her mother’s chic sunglasses and sets off to school.

Carrie arrives at school wearing an outfit remarkably similar to what I am wearing right now.  Everyone stares at her because she is the “freak who lost her mom.” She gets some fake sympathy from the queen bee bitch of the school Donna, who strolls up with her lackeys, all sporting spurts of neon.    Donna is just using Carrie’s tragedy for her own personal gain.  What a B.  Carrie, to her benefit, sees right through her and is nonplussed.  We meet Carrie’s friends, an Asian girl named Mouse, some other girl with lots of makeup, and Makeup Face’s gay boyfriend.   For some reason I never caught Makeup Face’s name, so SBT.   Also making a grand entrance is the new boy in school ~~Sebastian Kidd~~.  Sebastian (Austin Butler) has been kicked out of three boarding schools, and projects a definite young Spaderesque vibe (he wishes).

I just died in your arms tonight. WS

I just died in your arms tonight. WS

Sebastian walks right up to Carrie and says, “I heard about your mom.” Whuh, huh, HOW? WHAA?  It turns that Carrie met Sebastian over the summer at the swim club.

EEEE! Even though school JUST started there is a school dance coming up.  Everyone has a significant other to take to the dance, expcept Carrie.  Even Mouse has a boyfriend who is in COLLEGE named Seth Glassman, who SHE LOST HER VIRGINITY TO.  She describes it as “putting a hot dog in a keyhole.”, which is a wonderful and disgusting mental image.  Makeup Face has also lost her virginity, so Carrie is the only one who still has her v-card.  The girls encourage Carrie to ask Sebastian to go out on a triple date, or even better, ASK HIM TO THE DANCE.

Carrie walks and ponders this and sees Sebastian sitting on a bench reading Rolling Stone.  She sits down and they have a deep conversation.  Sebastian thinks it’s cool Carrie has so many thoughts in her head (his words, not mine), and he professes that he is just a boring rich kid who’s mom ran off with the tennis instructor.  Sebastian grabs Carrie’s hand and she has a flashback to a steamy pool kiss they shared, which just so happened to be Carrie’s very first kiss. Y’all my first kiss was not even close to being this good.  I’m just saying is all.

Get it girl.

Get it girl.

Carrie figured she’d never see him again, until he showed up at her school.  Carrie is about to ask Sebastian out, but she really sucks at it, and while Sebastian is waiting eagerly, she spies her dad walking down the hall. She is reminded of when her father came to school to tell her that her mother had passed away, and she faints in Sebastian’s arms at the memory.  It turns out that her dad came all the way down to school to tell that he got Carrie an internship at a law firm in Manhattan.  YES, THE MANHATTAN THAT IS IN NEW YORK CITY!  Carrie is overjoyed, but to really make things right, she needs to have mom’s purse.

Once home, Carrie busts into Dorrit’s room and starts snooping around AGAIN, and decides to look inside a sketchily large teddy bear. It turns out that Dorrit is a bit of a klepto, because she has all sorts of shit stuffed into that teddy bear, including mom’s purse.  I forgive Dorrit, because she is wearing the best sweater ever.

Bitch, you betta gimme that sweater,

Bitch, you betta gimme that sweater,

When Carrie pulls out mom’s purse she finds it splotched with nail polish.  What will Carrie do?  Spill some more goddamned nail polish all over it of course.  This is the 80’s after all, so she splatter paints the shit out of the purse, then carefully paints her name in cursive.  It is gorgeous, in the jankiest way possible. This is a Carrie Bradshaw original y’all.  She is so creative. By decorating this purse, she is really finding herself, proving she is ready to take Manhattan or something.

The school dance is that night, and it is also Carrie’s first day at her internship.  Carrie and her father are in the city, and she promises to go straight from the train to the  dance.  He steps back look at her in her flowered blouse and realizes that his little girl has blossomed in to a ~young woman~.  “Bette Davis Eyes” by Kim Carnes is playing in the background.  This song has always annoyed me, but it is admittedly fun to sing when you have a cold and your voice is all scratchy.  Then in ~*TYPICAL CARRIE*~ fashion, she gets knocked down by someone on the sidewalk and gets a run in her stockings.  She’s gonna have to go bare legged to the law office, DECLASSE!  Some stuffy broad gives Carrie the ins and outs of the office, sets her up with some busy work, then busts her gauche ass for not wearing stockings.  She sends Carrie to Century 21 on her lunch break, and there, we see 80’s heaven.

Valhalla, I am coming.

Valhalla, I am coming.

Century 21 blows young Carrie’s tiny little mind.  Understandably so, because guys, there is a woman wearing MULTIPLE fanny packs there.  As Carrie peruses through the clothes, a gorgeous black woman with awesome eye shadow walks up to Carrie, screeching about her purse and starts grabbing at it like a needy toddler.  Carrie immediately over reacts and shoves the woman away forcefully.  It turns out the lady, Larissa (Freema Agyeman), is British, which makes her even more smoking hot, and she works at Interview magazine.  She thinks Carrie’s bag is the shit, and wants to shoot it for the magazine.  Larissa is the epitome of all that Carrie wants to be, worldly, fashionable, hip, trendy–SHE IS NEW YORK.   She convinces Carrie to help her steal a heinous outfit and invites her out to a club called Indochine.  She tells Carrie that she collects people the way other people collect art.  ERRRR, but whatevs, Carrie seems into it.  Larissa also seems to be under the impression that Carrie is in her early twenties, which Carrie fails to deny.

Back at the law firm, Carrie calls Mouse and finds out that Sebastian called to get Carrie’s number.  OMG, he wants to go to the dance with her!  Should Carrie go to the dance with Sebastian or meet Larissa at the club?  What a quandry!  While pondering this, her dowdy coworker brings in a dress that has arrived for Carrie.  It is a hot pink little polka dotted number that her coworker says looks like something “that singer who takes the lord’s name in vain” would wear and  that she would never wear anything like that.  RUDE.  Carrie slips on the dress, hails a cab and her never ending inner monologue wonders which way she should go.  She chooses the club, duh.   Meanwhile, back in Connecticut, Dorrit is sneaking out of the house wearing an army jacket ala Lindsey Weir, and is up to no good.

Carrie arrives the club, but not before the show chooses to remind the audience AGAIN that it is set in the 80’s in New York with a really weird and unnecessary bumper with stills of Andy Warhol, Debbie Harry, and a boombox.  At Indochine, Carrie is surrounded by artists in an array of all different ethnicities.  There are even gay men there!  New York! While Sebastian is at the school dance alone, getting picked up on by queen bee Donna,  Carrie is having a great time, drinking champagne,  and getting sandwiched by dudes on the dance floor. All of a sudden it’s midnight and Carrie has to book it to catch the train home.   Carrie is no longer a virgin.  She just lost her virginity to MANHATTAN.  ::dies::

Carrie is picked up at the train station by her closeted gay friend and sees Sebastian in his PORSCHE 911 (oooh!) with Donna toking on a joint.  He tells Carrie, this isn’t what you think it is, and she retorts, “It’s EXACTLY what I think it is.”  ICE BURN!  It looks like lil’ baby Carrie Bradshaw grew some balls in the big city of New York.  Not that it should matter to Sebastian, he’s probably gonna get a sweet handy from Donna.  Carrie arrives home to see cop cars outside of her house, she thinks they are for her, but hold up! Dorrit is missing! It’s probably only been a few hours, but the cops really seem to care in Connecticut.  Well, Dorrit turns up the next day, and slight drama ensues with Dorrit giving Carrie the ‘ole “You’re not my mom!” spiel.  Carrie stalks up to her room and dad comes in for yet another tender heart to heart.  They hug (of course) and he grounds her for coming in past curfew, which is what mom would’ve done.  I have to mention that Carrie is wearing a super great shirt that features both STRIPES and POLKA DOTS and I am super envious of it.

Girl, I feel your pain.

Girl, I feel your pain.

Later Mouse turns up and tells Carrie that she’s been calling her college boyfriend Seth, and he just hasn’t returned her calls.  Mouse starts crying and laments about how Seth could have sex with her then treat her like this.  Welcome to life Mouse.  Much voice over ensues, with Carrie philosophizing, “We imagine our first kiss, but we never imagine our first heartbreak.”  HEAVY.  Dad is finally ready to clean out mom’s closet, and the entire family does it together while “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” plays in the background.  The symbolic green and white dress goes to Dorrit, who is also blossoming into a young woman? I guess.

Carrie meets up with Sebastian at the swim club and they start splashing around, just like old times, while Donna’s minions look on.  Later Carrie starts writing in some notebooks that she found in her mom’s closet.  Guys, she’s doing it! She’s really becoming a writer.  Cue shot of her walking the streets of Manhattan in the sparkliest dress that has ever been created. THE END.

Carrie said in her voice over you should open your heart to new beginnings.  Should I open my heart to this show? Signs point to no, but I like what’s bad for me.  I have three more episodes to catch up, so I’ll be back soon!

Number of times I misspelled Connecticut: 5

Number of outfits I coveted: 4

Songs I predict will be used in future episodes: “The Look”- Roxette, “Lost in Your Eyes”-Debbie Gibson, “We Didn’t Start the Fire”-Billy Joel, “Can’t Fight This Feeling”- REO Speedwagon, “Sussudio”-Phil Collins

(All photos courtesy of  Thanks!)

Kolleen: Wow. I had reservations about this show, but it seems pretty on- point. I love the 80s and I people with weird names. Also my first kiss was behind the public library. Man, I was a dork. I’ll never make it in Manhattan.


2 responses »

  1. My first kiss was on the Haunted Mansion ride (1985) at Disneyworld, I had flat hair and braces and would’ve given my eye teeth for some of the clothes she wears.

    BTW, I am a Charlotte who wishes she was Carrie — can we still be friends?


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