I Have A Severe Problem With 90210

Kolleen: Hey everyone. I know we don’t review 90210 (even though we might, somewhere down the line, especially since it’s ending like next week), but I have a HUGE problem with it that I just have to get off my chest. 

On the show, Silver has a surrogate that is carrying her baby because Teddy donated sperm but doesn’t understand why she wants to raise the baby on her own. That kind of irked me, because like wtf, she found out she has to have a baby ASAP because of the cancer that is lurking around the corner (I know, this is really dumb), and Teddy, her supposed BFF, is being a huge assbutt. 

So she agrees to have this surrogate, who of course is like YAY until Dixon realizes this chick can sing, and wants her to go on tour and all this crap. Meanwhile, Adriana is being a bitch, saying all Silver cares about is herself, and everyone gets on this “we hate Silver” train. “She only cares about this ~baby~” they say, throwing some serious shade.

THIS IS A BABY. It’s not like she’s buying a new car! IT’S A LIVING HUMAN BEING! IT’S INSIDE ANOTHER PERSON! Of course she’s concerned with how her surrogate is acting or what she wants to do. SHE’S PREGNANT WITH HER BABY. OH MY GOD WHAT IS EVERYONE’S ISSUE? I can’t even deal with this. 

I am so glad this show is over. I went from really loving it to hate watching it. I mean it’s 90210, not Hedda Gabler, but still! 

What do you think about Silver? Is she a selfish B or a concerned mom?

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Skins S1 Ep 3: Jal

Kolleen: my GOD you guys. I have been so busy with grad school lately, I haven’t had the time to review anything. I haven’t really had time to watch anything, either. I am woefully behind on Degrassi! Life is hard 😦

Anyway let’s get to this! As always, the episode’s music can be found here. And check out the Unseen Skins link at the bottom– I have gone back to our old reviews, too, to add in the Unseen Skins links that correspond to each episode. It wasn’t something I thought to do before, and I apologize!

jal

We open with Jal practicing her clarinet. Or flute. What is it? I forget…It’s a clarinet. She’s playing with the school orchestra and her teacher is very colorful with her language, which cracks me up. Doug comes in and says there have been some complaints with the orchestra, that there’s too much swearing. Oh piss off, Doug. You’re a downer sometimes.

Ew, then we cut right into a scene where Tony and Michelle are sloppily making out in front of Jal and Effy. It’s gross. They sound like two pigs eating at a trough. Jal is upset because Michelle is ignoring their plans for shopping; Michelle wants to run upstairs for a quickie, but Jal needs a new dress for her upcoming music competiton, Young Musician of the Year! Effy eloquently demonstrates what will be happening upstairs:

effy beej

Have at it, kiddos.

Jal goes to leave, but when she opens the door Sid is there. “Is Tony in?” he asks. “Pretty much,” Jal replies, as Michelle squeals from upstairs. Jal drags Sid along with her to dress- shop, which I’m sure he is very excited about. I get the feeling that Jal is not a girly girl, because she has a very difficult time finding something to wear. This is something I can identify with, as I feel like my style is pretty all over the place. Sid gets all awkward about helping her zip up, and Jal laments about having to wear a dress at all. Then Sid zippers his finger by mistake, and they make a bunch of sounds that seem like sex– “Oh, let me get a hold of it,” Jal says. SCANDALOUS. Later in the mall, he tells her a stupid sexual fantasy he has about Michelle. WHY?? I just don’t get it.

We have a scene where Jal plays her clarinet. It’s nice, but this isn’t my favorite episode. Ten minutes in and I think of how I could be working on my research paper (25 pages!). Anyway, it’s ok, because Jal is interrupted by her dumb brothers and their dumb friend rapping. See, Jal’s dad is a super famous rap star, and he has created idiots who do not care about their sister’s aspirations! She tells them to STFU. Luckily, this scene takes up 2 minutes of my time. Jal goes to talk to her dad and he says the brothers need practice too– his lackeys say they need lots of practice because “those pussies are BAD”. True. Jal’s dad is very busy entertaining some dopey white broad. Jal’s dad calls the clarinet “rooty tooty” music and asks if she likes dancing for whitey. Whatever, DAD. Also Jal insists her dress is green. It’s brown. Is Jal color blind? She passively aggressively calls Michelle and gets all mad. She sneaks down to the studio to listen to the white chick sing about strawberries and cream, and it is EMBARRASSINGLY bad.

At breakfast the next morning, Jal throws some serious shade at Alicia, the white girl who is dumb as hell. Even the brothers, whose names I keep forgetting– one is Ace?– are mad, because she’s sitting in their absent mother’s seat. Where is Jal’s mom? Why has she left Jal alone, with no one to dress- shop with?

At school, Jal is sent to the dean’s office, where she is told to play up her “handicaps”– basically they want to use her as a minority to get a grant. Pretty rotten. They have a checklist of things for her to say, and Jal is not having it. She dresses like a slob for her interviews, and she answers “no” to everything (“Your parents must be proud of you?”), thereby extending a PA middle finger to the school. Michelle chastises her for not looking good or making an effort. She at least is nice enough to tell Jal her dress is ugly and let her borrow a new one.

That night, Jal’s dad throws a party. The boys try to get it, but the bouncers tell them to fuck off because it’s 21+. One of them even has a snake for some reason! Jal lets the guys in though, because she’s a nice person. And look how pretty she looks!

jaljugs

Even Maxxie can’t stop looking at Jal’s physique, and he’s gay! Chris says he will simply DIE if he doesn’t get to touch her jugs. Boys are so subtle. And trust me, Michelle is put off by all the extra attention that Jal is receiving; after all, she did say “you play clarinet, I look shaggable”. Rude. It doesn’t help that Tony is talking to Abigail in the other room– why is she there? Michelle turns to Sid for comfort, and tells him that she knows he wants her, but she loves him like a brother. Sid is pretty crushed. ~Cassie~ shows up with a pint for him, because she is a sweetheart that no one appreciates. He chugs the pint, burps a bunch, and leaves. Great (BTW: has anyone seen/noticed Cassie AND Chris on Game of Thrones? It  makes me very excited!) .

Oh. Wow.

Oh. Wow.

Jal’s brothers put on a little rap performance. It is horrendous. Jal’s dad puts a stop to it pretty quickly, thankfully. A dance party commences, and while Michelle is dancing poorly, Jal spies Tony being… well, Tony.

tony jal

OH MAH GUH

After the party, Jal sits on a couch with Sid, holds his hand, and puts her head on his shoulder. She tells him she is comforting him, and tells him that everyone knows he has a thing for Michelle but to let her go. Then some squid asks Jal to join him for a drink up the road. She declines, but he says Sid can come along so they agree. They leave, but as they round the corner into an alley… they are jumped by the Mad Twatter (and crew)! It was all a set up! He informs Sid that the creepy guy, William, has been following him because he owes Mad so much money! They take Sid’s money and Jal’s clarinet. Then, in one of the show’s odder turns, he begins to play the clarinet.

And he's pretty goddamned good!

And he’s pretty goddamned good!

Then he smashes it, because he is a wasteful idiot. They walk away, and Jal starts yelling. Sid tries to comfort her, but in doing so, her brothers (+ friend) think that he is raping her or something, and they jump him. She clears it up, but not before basically breaking Sid’s nose. Poor Sid.

Jal has to talk to her teacher (Claire) about cancelling her performance. The scene cuts to Claire, who is… wait for it… IN BED WITH DOUG! Scandalous! We learn that Jal’s brothers were all beaten to the point of being hospitalized by Mad and his men. They are proud for sticking up for their sister, and Michelle kisses them in gratitude.

In the studio, Jal’s dad, who I think is named Ronnie?, speaks to her brother on the phone, telling him he loves them all– even the white kid. Then, he raps:

I’m inspired. I’m offline.
A renegade disturbing the peace while I’m spitting a serenade.
All this tension, miscomprehension.
I’m informed and on the level
that I might mention that when I scream it’s just passion.
I ain’t angry at culture, I ain’t angry at fashion.
And I might feel spiteful if I feel shit’s epidemic.
I admit that some is soul but some is academic.
I been doing this forever, so why you choosing now?
Turning your face away is a punch in the gut. Pow!
So swing a rhyme of time like the dove sing of love.
And keep your peace, cuz I got kin;
I got skin to think of.

Is it just me or is Jal's dad hot?

Is it just me or is Jal’s dad hot?

He then notices Jal listening and gets upset. She asks him why he hasn’t asked her if she is okay. She says it’s not her fault she looks like her mother, which is why she feels he pushes her away. He tells her to go tidy her room, which she doesn’t understand because Jal’s room is never messy– she’s not like that. She goes up to her room to find a beautiful new clarinet. Teary eyed and emotional, she puts it together.

She makes it to her recital, and as she prepares to play, we see Mad being forced into Ronnie’s car, presumably to be killed.

Well, that’s it folks. I know this wasn’t a funny recap, but it really wasn’t too funny of an episode. And I know we usually have the thoughts and/ or fashions from the episodes, but to be honest, there were NO fashions that were worth linking this episode, and I didn’t have many thoughts about it; it was not the best episode. Jal’s dad buying her a clarinet was nice, but that’s about it. Maybe the next episode will have some good songs and fashions for me to talk about.

However, the Unseen Skins for this episode is pretty hilarious. What do you think?

I promise it won’t take so long for our next review! Toodles!

Letty: Two things– ~~EFFY~~ and Jal’s dad is definitely hot, I would smash that with the quickness.

Check Out What Our MORTIFYING MARCH Winner Won! Wheeee!

34723_373205429454453_634891401_n

Yes that’s an “upcycled” Birchbox box filled with some awesome goodies: Wet n Wild makeup, Lip Smackers, an incense sampler, a smudge stick, a moonstone, a lollipop, a Viva La Juicy sample, and a copy of My Super Sweet Sixteen– THE MOVIE. Way to go, L! And the Skins episode 3 recap is finally finished and waiting for Letty’s commentary, it will be up in the morning!

Night!

-Kolleen

 

Mortifying March: THE WINNER, And The Rest

Hey y’all! Thanks for submitting to our MORTIFYING MARCH contest. We had a great response and one horrifying story that was deemed the winner by myself and Letty. The winner will receive a mystery box, and when I actually put it together I’ll post a pic on our Facebook page. Anyway, here we go. We even submitted our own stories because we’re fearless. The winner is posted last, because it’s the best.

A says:

I went on a couple dates with this guy and we decided to seal the deal, so I grabbed a condom. This guy was abnormally small in stature but so am I, so I figured it might work. I pulled down his boxers and I felt like I was about to change a baby’s diaper. IT was so small.  I gave him a chance though, and we started to do it. We went to change positions and his dick just came out of the condom and the condom just stayed inside me. He blamed it on me being too small to handle him, then asked me out again the next day like nothing happened!

Another A, who is a brave sort, sent us a picture with her submission!

When I was in 7th grade for whatever reason these platform type shoes were in style. I think it was a 70s revival flashback style courtesy of D*Lite or something (groove IS in the heart). So I was chubby and awkward and I was so lucky to wear a size 6 shoe. Anyone who knows about shoe stores knows they typically use size 6 as the display size– so I found this bitchin’ pair of white platform shoes and took them from the display and proudly put them on my feet– that is, until my top heavy-ness toppled me to the ground. I not only fell– right there in the middle of Bakker shoes, but I also took two whole display cases with me. Imagine my horror when I looked up from the shoetastrophe to see 3 of the most popular girls in school standing there, mouths agape.
I ran out of that store faster than you’d ever seen me run anywhere. This is why I still refuse to wear high heels. 😦
The dream of the 90s is alive in this picture

The dream of the 90s is alive in this picture

Here’s Kolleen’s story:

It’s hard for me to think of an embarrassing story because I’m pretty perfect in every way. But once, back in 2000, I was hanging out with a really good friend of mine and I was trying to act as though I had a lot of movie knowledge (he’s a big movie guy). So he suggested we watch Sling Blade which I had never seen. Now you have to think that in 2000 Billy Bob Thornton was married to Angelina Jolie and they were both very heroin chic at the time.

So we watched Sling Blade and when the movie ended I turned to my friend and said, “I thought Billy Bob Thornton was in this movie.” And he looked at me like I was the biggest idiot. Because, if you don’t k now, BILLY BOB THORNTON IS IN LITERALLY EVERY SCENE OF THE MOVIE. He was just fatter back then. Oh god, I never lived it down. It embarrasses me to this day.

I reckon you’re not very bright

Here is Letty’s tale of woe:

Guh, I have so many embarrassing stories, because I am a beautiful, beautiful fuck up, but this is one of my favorites.  When I was junior in high school, I was painfully in love with this soccer player named Ryan. I was a trainer, so that meant that I went to all the soccer games, and wrapped ankles and gave water when needed and shit.  I used to love watching Ryan play,  he was so dreamy, and looked like a stallion when he ran up and down the field.  I would have cut off my left tit just to hold his hand.  So I did what any reasonable 16 year old girl would do, I resorted to magic.

I bought the Little Book of Love Spells and I was convinced that I could charm this popular senior, stud of a boy into falling in love with me.  I waited until the moon was right, and performed my spell. To complete the spell, I had to give the object of my affection a shell to symbolize my womanhood or something.  It took me FOREVER to find a shell in my house, even though we went to the beach all the time. But I finally found a tiny white shell and I was ready for him to fall in love.

The next day after soccer practice I nervously approached him in the training room while he was icing his knee.  He was a captive audience!  I gave him my best braces filled smiled and told him how great I thought he’d been doing on the field and some other sad, awkward ramblings that I have blocked from my memory.  He seem unimpressed.  Then I told him that I had a little something for him for good luck and I placed the shell in his hand.  With barely even a glance, he chunked the shell as hard as he possibly could across the room.  I stood there with my mouth hanging open for a second before I screeched, “Why did you do that, it was a shell!”  He said, “Oh, I thought it was a piece of chewed gum.”  Needless to say, we didn’t make a love connection as I was too embarrassed to ever talk to him again.  But that’s okay, I looked him up on Facebook recently and he is totally fat now.

And now… THE WINNER of our MORTIFYING MARCH CONTEST!

L says: 

I used to be a dancer at a fully nude strip club. Classy, I know. It is my firm belief that if most strip club patrons spent a minute behind the scenes in the dressing room, they’d never be able to be aroused by a stripper again. All sorts of decidedly non-demure things happen there: girls squatting down to carefully trim their tampon strings, sharing gross stories (“I was giving this guy a private dance and I had to fart SO bad … eventually I just had to pull this move where I got up and twirled away, then blasted one in the opposite direction and hoped he couldn’t smell it.”), bending over and spreading ‘em in front of a mirror to make sure nothing undesirable is clinging to their lady bits … it can get pretty ugly.

Anyway, one day I was dancing on stage and these two guys kept giggling and whispering to each other. I was annoyed, but managed to ignore them. One can only expect so much maturity in an establishment where women flash their hoo-hahs for crinkled dollar bills. After I got off stage, it occurred to me: I had forgotten to do my mirror-check. Holding my breath, I positioned my back to the mirror, bent over and looked back. Sure enough I discovered that, while I had been rolling around on stage, seductively stretching my legs apart and giving my best “come hither” stare, there had been (glowing brightly beneath the black lights) a thin shred of toilet paper pasted to my vag.

stripper strippers

And there you have it folks! Thank you L for your horrifying story. Thank you all for submitting!  We really appreciate all of our readers!  Look for pictures of our awesome prize box on our Facebook page.  We will be having more contests as the year goes on. Stay tuned for some long overdue updates!

OMG More Mortifying March!

There is still time to enter our Mortifying March contest and win a Thirtysometeen prize box!  What’s in the prize box?  That’s a surprise, but know it will be filled to the brim with awesome on top of awesome.  Here are some more ~*embarrassing*~ stories to make your whole body cringe!

S writes: 

When I was in 8th grade we had this whole Middle School Graduation thing and our class president was in charge of making a video to show at our “senior assembly”. (I don’t know why we were so proud to be “graduating” from 8th to 9th grade, but we were). The class president happened to be a Hottie that I had a huge mega crush on. I was a super tomboy, played basketball, hadn’t quite figured out washing/styling my hair, but I still had a keen eye for the Hot Stuff when I saw it.

In any case, I was in the library doing something totally lame and nerdy when said Hottie approached me with a video camera to ask me questions for the video. GASP! He wanted to talk to ME about LIFE so I could be in HIS VIDEO! Obviously this was a huge step in our relationship. He asked me some basics – favorite class, favorite teacher – and then he asked “what do you want to be when you grow up?”
I have NO idea why I said it. I must have seen one too many episodes of Law and Order that year. But I said “I want to be a Forensic Pathologist”. IT GETS BETTER. He then asked what exactly that was and I said “It means you get to cut up dad people”.
YUP. I said that. To Hottie.
He politely finished our interview and I proceeded to my voice lesson where I cried (and I’m pretty sure that was the day my voice teacher told me my feet smelled; the very definition of being kicked while down). The best part? My statement made it into the final video. Not the “cutting up dead people” part, but the slightly more normal “forensic pathologist” part which was followed by a clip from Men In Black. SO THAT WAS GREAT.
R writes to us:
I was 13 years old and my friend Shannon and I were in a karate class.  We were the only girls in the class with about 15 other boys.  Well, as you know, the uniforms are white and wel,l I had a unwelcome visitor during class.  My friend leaned over to me and whispered to look in the mirror next time I did a kick.  Yep you guessed it, I started my period.  Everyone in the room had already seen it, I ran off the mat and into the bathroom, calling my mom, begging her to come get me. I was mortified, now I can look back and laugh, but it was most embarrassing.
OOOF.  We appreciate your submissions!  Keep emailing your submissions to thirtysometeen@gmail.com.  We look forward to reading your pain!

Welcome To Mortifying March!

There are still 5 days left in our Mortifying March contest! But we thought we’d post some of our entries* to get the ball rolling. The winner will be announced on the 31st and will receive a grab- bag (well, box) of cool shiz!

B write to us:

I was in love with this boy forever (TWO YEARS) but we had never even kissed. One time I told myself I was going to be really cool and 20 and drink with him. I was at the time a total lightweight so naturally I could handle 1 bottle of wine and half a case of steel reserve.

We are hanging out on his futon and he goes up to get to the bathroom. I am convinced this is the moment my life is about to change! Finally years of waiting for the love of my life have paid off!! I imagine our wedding, our children, our future.

Then I throw up on his bed.

Racked with guilt over how our children will now never be born I cover up the vomit with a blanket. I sit there until I realize this isn’t gonna work and then begin to cry. He comes out to see me in tears and I babble out that I have ruined our lives and everything and then reveal the gift I have left in his bed. He takes me home and we obv still haven’t made out.

~THE ARISTOCRATS~

J says:

As a preteen I moved to Plymouth for a school year. This was back when we actually cared to dress up the first day of school, and being a new student I had “the outfit” planned: a short black skirt, tights, a white tee & a jean jacket. Gotta love the 90s.  I got off the bus and head to my new school where I knew not one person. I walked with a presence of “hey I’m here, a city girl with my cool clothes”, walked into the main doors, noticed the other kids looking to see “who’s the new stylish girl”. I got a wee bit lost finding my homeroom, and walked in after most of the other kids got there. I noticed other girls looking over with a stare of “is she really” and the boys having big smiles on their faces. So my “swag” only got hotter.

I sat down and looked around, feeling very confident. That’s when the teacher waved me up and sent me to the nurses office, kind of walking close behind me, very unsettling. Having my confidence taking a blow & wondering “what the hell do I need at the nurses office, maybe some sort of checkup for being new” I entered the nurses office and she had a large moving box in her hand labeled “lost and found”. I was seriously confused. The nurse then said, “Go ahead sweetheart, have your pick, there’s bound to be something in your size”.  I asked, highly confused, “What am I looking for? I love my new school outfit”, doing a small twist of my foot, and looking myself over. I was mortified as I looked down at where my cute black skirt SHOULD BE. It wasn’t there!!!

I  burst into a huge cry-fest, ran into the bathroom and locked the door. After about 10 minutes of crying and having the nurse calm me down, I opened the door, walked to the moving box very confused and upset. I had started the day with an amazing outfit on!!

I picked a pair of jeans, I walked back into the bathroom, locked the door behind me, took my jean jacket off, and went to pull my white shirt up. There was my skirt!! It rose up into my shirt while riding the bus and I hadn’t noticed!!

I can’t remember how the rest of the day went, but my name for that one long school year was Granny, for “granny panties”.

 

Thanks ladies! We feel your pain.

Remember it’s not too late to be part of the contest. Email your stories to thirtysometeen@gmail.com!  Stay tuned for more stories as this week continues, as well as some reviews, we promise!

 

*Entries have been edited because Kolleen is a grammar psychopath.

MORTIFYING MARCH CONTEST

HEY EVERYONE! 

We decided to spice things up around here. It’s still March, right? We still have 20 days left, right? Well, we want your super embarrassing  stories. We debuted our new feature, Ohmigah,  a little while back, but for the sake of alliteration we would like you to send us your most mortifying stories for the month of March (can you tell I went to a writing convention this week?).

At the end of the month Letty and I will review all submissions and select a winner. Then we’ll send that winner a cool gift box filled with goodies! Maybe you’ll win a lizard necklace, or pages ripped out of a vintage issue of Sassy (yeah right, we would never do that).

So, send your stories/ pictures/ repressed memories to us at thirtysometeen@gmail.com OR post them on our Facebook wall. Whatever. Just get them to us somehow, we’ll showcase them, AND you’ll have a chance to win something.

We’ll have some reviews up later this week, so stick around for that, too!

Later!~

-Kolleen