Tag Archives: Degrassi: The Next Generation

DNG S1 Ep 14: Under Pressure

Letty:  Welcome back to the exciting drama filled world of Degrassi!  When we left off some awkward looking Canadian preteens were doing some things and saying some stuff and being slightly annoying.  Sorry guys, I can’t EVEN  focus on the past right now when we are so close to ~CRAIG~.  Anyways, this episode starts  with that Canadian hunk of  a man Tracker quizzing Sean for his upcoming Media Immersion test.  Sean keeps getting the answers wrong and he is getting mad pissed.  He is so worked up he can’t even help his brother fix motorcycles properly. Between questions, Tracker mentions to Sean that their mom called, and  wants to talk to Sean about moving back to disgusting Wasaga Beach. Sean it NOT having it, he flips out and starts knocking shit over.  Now, I looked Wasaga Beach up on Wikipedia, and it looks like a really nice place.  I don’t know what Sean is so mad about.  But, this young man has quite the temper!  He tells Tracker, “You are not my social worker, okay!”, but Tracker, ever the good big bro, has some decent advice for Sean, “Keep your nose clean, get good grades, and everything will be okay.”  Tracker, man, what a dream boat.

dream tracker

More like, DREAM Tracker, amirite? What?

So, it is the day of the Media Immersion test. JT and Toby are stressing out about it when Liberty and Emma stroll up.  The credits aren’t even finished and Liberty is already being annoying.  She is wearing a floor length denim skirt, HELLO.  Even Snake is annoyed by her. She pulls out a pocket calculator to calculate how high her grade has to be to get an A+ in Media Immersion and Snake fakes hearing Mr. Radditch calling him to avoid speaking to her.  UGH FUCKING LIBERTY.

snake pained

I FEEL YOUR PAIN.

Emma and Sean are at his locker when Jimmy walks by and says some smart ass remark, which really isn’t that big of deal, but Sean gets all butthurt.  If y’all don’t remember, Jimmy and Sean have some bad blood between them that you can read about here. Down the hall Spinner, simple, simple Spinner is trying to impress Paige and waste time.  He yells at Paige to “Check this out!”, then just starts dribbling a basketball in a circle around her. He looks like a St. Bernard puppy or like he would make an excellent Lennie in the Degrassi production of John Steinbeck’s “Of Mice and Men”.  Spinner’s impressive moves make him and Paige late for class, and who does he walk right into?   Mrs. Kwan! HUWHAT?

It turns out her husband has finished his chemo, so she has come back to teach.  Just in time to give a test!  Oscar that weird extra kid who we don’t know anything about raises his hand and says he doesn’t feel well. It turns out he has the flu, and that gives Spinner an idea! Simple Spinner, do you really think playing sick is going to get you out of a test?  We cut to Emma and Sean walking up to his house.  They are going to study but Sean doesn’t want to study at his house because he is embarrassed.  He doesn’t even want Emma to COME  in the house and makes her wait outside.  My theory, Tracker leaves a lot of porn laying around.   Speaking of dreamboats,  Tracker pulls up and starts talking shit to Emma, because he is still mad about her editorial in the school newspaper.  This episode sure has a lot of callbacks to other episodes.  He is yelling at her and is all like, “You think you’re a good influence on him? CAUSE YOU ARE.”  WHOA!  HE TWISTED IT ALL AROUND! HE ACTED LIKE HE WAS YELLING AT HER, BUT THEN COMPLIMENTED HER INSTEAD.  It turns out that Sean hasn’t gotten in trouble since he’s been hanging out with Emma.  Probably because Emma is exceptionally boring and her  idea of trouble is writing a controversial newspaper article.  Emma wants to know more about this “trouble” because she is a nosy bitch, but Tracker tells her not to worry about it.

Sean and Emma are studying at her house.  She is trying to teach him some stupid pneumonic device to help him with the test.  Sean tells her that, “she is such a Liberty” which is a HUGE insult.  In response Emma tosses a dish rag right into Sean’s face. He playfully tosses it back, and she throws it back in his face, it’s all quite riveting.  In a playful tone Sean says, “You wanna mess with me? I’ll mess you up, I’m big trouble.” and Emma being the giant buzzkill that she is replies,  “Yeah, I heard.  Tracker said you got into trouble once”.  FOR GOD’S SAKE EMMA, just fucking be cool for once in your life.  It turns out that when Sean was living in Wasaga Beach he got into a  fight with some kid and permanently deafened him one ear.  Sean isn’t proud of what he did, he just can’t control his temper, but he claims to be working on it.   During this entire scene Sean’s earring is distractingly  prominent.  Emma seems pretty cool with all this actually, only because  the incident happened a year ago. OH YES,  like that is so long ago.

It is the day of test.  Sean is hella nervous.  The entire test is online, something that Snake seems especially smug about.  The students only have 45 minutes to complete the exam, after that they are SOL.  Elsewhere on campus,  Spinner and Paige are in class.  Spinner is yammering on about how he plans to get sick on purpose and Paige says she doesn’t care about his stupid plan.   For once I agree with Paige, I hate this subplot.   Terri comes in sneezing, so Spinner gets all up in her business trying to catch her germs. Spinner volunteers to throw away Terri’s coffee cup then runs his finger around the brim and licks it.  ~tres declasse~

Spinner gross

I don’t know what I’m most turned off by, this disgusting act or the tribal flames on his shirt.

Meanwhile, Sean is struggling with his media immersion test.  He is in the middle of  naming two file extensions, when the screen flashes that time is up. Sean didn’t finish!  To make matters worse, Liberty pops in like a fucking goddamn annoying popup ad, and screeches  “45 minutes remember, timed!”

Screenshot_4

MUST PUNCH

Sean is understandably  pissed,  he thinks he fails at everything he’s ever tried. Exacerbating the situation is Emma who keeps whining at him until Sean finally snaps at her and says, “Emma, don’t talk to me okay, just leave me alone.” then sulks away.  RUROH, Sean’s anger is starting to get the better of him, as evident in him punching his poor defenseless locker. Jimmy, with very poor timing,  walks by and starts  joking  around with Sean.  Sean gets all butthurt AGAIN, and is all aggressive towards Jimmy.  After an extremely heated exchange ::rolls eyes:: in which Jimmy calls Sean a FREAK (ice burn!) they start shoving each other around ineffectively.    Coach Armstrong breaks them up,  but it’s ON.  Sean yells after Jimmy, “I’LL SEE YOU AFTER SCHOOL.”   I hope it’s a fight to the death.

drake violence

Violence against Drake is always acceptable.

It’s time for Mrs. Kwan’s test, and Spinner running back and forth down hallway, try to get his temperature up.   It works!  Mrs. Kwan feels his forehead and sends him to the nurse. Over in Media Immersion class everyone is gossiping about Sean and Jimmy’s fight after school. Why are they in Media Immersion class AGAIN?  Do they only have one class?  Sean strolls in late,  and Snake gives him lunch time detention.  Is that even allowed?  Does Sean not get to eat?  DOESN’T SNAKE CARE ABOUT SEAN’S BLOOD SUGAR?!  Over in the nurse’s office the nurse takes Spinner’s temperature. The nurse is a man,  which I think is very progressive.  It turns out that Spinner has a normal temperature.  Spinner claims that the thermometer is faulty, and the nurse says he has a tried and true method, and pulls out a giant thermometer and covers it in Vasoline.  Spinner exclaims, “I don’t want that gunk in mouth”, and in the creepiest line in Degrassi history the nurse says, “It’s not going in your mouth”. Spinner runs out and the nurse starts laughing, then presumably starts jacking off.  Back in class Mrs. Kwan tells Spinner to stop pulling all this dumb shit, and to channel the energy he expended making up schemes into school work. Mrs. Kwan is one sage bitch.

Well, Spinner passed the test.  YAY, who cares?  IT’S TIME FOR THE FIGHT! Sean goes to fetch Jimmy to give him a world class ass whooping.  Jimmy protests, saying “We don’t have to do this, it’s stupid”, and Sean retorts “No wonder Armstrong cut you from the team.”  DANG THEMS FIGHTING WORDS.Everyone in the entire school is mad pumped up for the fight as they follow Jimmy and Sean into some alley.  Emma is there being annoying and whining at Sean to stop.  Jimmy and Sean go right at it.  They start pushing each other, as most lame middle school fights begin.  Sean actually connects a couple of punches. Everyone is chanting “FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!” like they are at a hockey game or something.  The boys are wrassling, when stupid Emma grabs at Sean. In the heat of the moment he yells,”Emma get out of here!” (my sentiment exactly) and pushes her to the ground.  She is mad upset and runs away with tears in her eyes.  Sean calls after her, doing the worst James Dean impression ever. Man, at this point I accidentally rewinded too far and had to watch the whole stupid fight over again. UGH.

It’s the next day,  Jimmy is walking with his friends going over the fight, “Then the coward walks away after picking a fight and throwing his girlfriend to the ground.”  Ashley is still pissed and gives him the cold shoulder.  Spinner is in high spirits from passing all his tests, and that it’s the weekend, but UH OH he starts sneezing.  Looks like his plan to contract the flu actually worked.  SPINNER SHENANIGANS. Sean also passed his test with a B-.  He tries to tell Emma his good news but she just walks by and ignores him.  He pleads for her to stop, and we are treated with a very brief  Manny appearance!  He apologizes, saying “I should have listened to you, and I’m sorry.” Emma stone faces him and says “Yeah, so am I.” DAMMMMMMMN, that’s cold Em. END EPISODE.

DRAMA.  God, what an uneventful episode.  This was really a chore guys, that’s why it took me like two months to write this.  But it all leads up to the EXCITING SEASON FINALE, and then IT’S ~CRAIG MANNING~ TIME.

OHMIGAH: The Degrassi Comic Con Disappointment

Welcome to a new feature here at Thirtysometeen, called Ohmigah, an homage to the columns in our favorite teen magazines , where our readers share their most embarrassing, traumarama, cringeworthy stories. Hopefully, they won’t all be about someone farting while talking to their crush, or getting their period while wearing a white suede mini skirt.

Our first entry is from  Jessica, it’s actually not that embarrassing (unless you find going to  Comic Cons embarrassing), but it is full of soul crushing disappointment:

Okay, so, I was attending a Comic Con in New York in 2007 because my boyfriend got us a free hotel room for doing a little reporting on the convention for a blog. Comic Cons are incredibly boring if you aren’t into that subculture or buying miniature, sexy Harley Quinn statues.

However, there was a Degrassi panel and my boyfriend told me Jake Epstein would be a guest. I’d been watching Degrassi: TNG for years, since I was a sophomore in high school, and I was pretty attached while completely aware that it was ridiculous. I cried when the Class of 2006 graduated. Craig’s insanity is one of my favorite things to ever be on TV, so I was jazzed.

Darth Vader gives Degrassi fans the shocker.

Darth Vader gives Degrassi fans the shocker.

I waited to enter the panel’s conference room with a couple 14-year-old girls wearing homemade Degrassi t-shirts, which wasn’t great for my self-esteem. Also, I was suspicious because they weren’t wearing Hell Hath No Fury t-shirts. Well, turns out Craig wasn’t going to be there at all. The special guest was Liberty. Liberty!! I’ve never been so disappointed. She did look really pretty, though. Not wearing overalls probably helped. I’m not going to discuss how long I waited in line to get a photo with her before I became too embarrassed to stand it and left, disgusted with myself.

Here is a link about the Craigless Degrassi panel, sadly it seems Liberty’s life was Craig free as well. http://www.comicbookresources.com/?page=article&id=9482

Thank you for sharing your harrowing tale, Jessica!  You braved thralls of teen girls only to be left crestfallen with nary a Craig to be seen.  If you have an embarrassing story from your crazy teen years email us at thirtysometeen@gmail.com.  We really want to hear how your bathing suit top fell off at the beach or how you got ran over by a go-kart in front of ALL your friends at your 16th birthday party.  OMIGAH! TRAUMARAMA!

DNG S1 Ep 13: Cabaret

Kolleen: Hey kids! Sorry it took so long to get to this. Life, you know? LIFE. It just doesn’t stop happening. Anyway, let’s get right into it, since this episode brings us two episodes away from you- know- who.

Terri is at Ash’s, looking up occult websites, and rudely interrupts Ash’s piano practice to tell her about a protection chant. Terri, PLEASE don’t get mixed up with the devil. Being a teenager is hard enough. Plus, I wouldn’t trust any spell I read about on Google. Anyway, the occult stuff is creeping Ash out and she seems pretty judgey  that Terri picked that topic for her powerpoint presentation for class. She’s just “really into mystic oracles”! Leave her alone.

Ash thinks she has a song down pat– they want to win Cabaret, whatever that is.  She begins to sing really sweetly, like Sarah McLachlan or something. “Tell me how I can be/ All that you ask of me”. It sounds like a hymn, to be honest. A really boring hymn. Terri wants to pick up the pace, but Ash insists the tempo is ~just right~. Shut up, Ash. 43 seconds in and I’m already irritated by her passive- aggressive, bossy attitude.

At school, Paige confronts Terri, saying she wants to hook up for Cabaret. Terri tells her about “Two Girls and a Keyboard”, which is either her act with Ashley, a porno, or a bad NBC sitcom. Terri thinks the song is “blah” and Paige says to insist on a poppier song… and a trio. But when Ash shows  up to homeroom, Terri chickens out, to Paige’s subtle chagrin.

OMG WTF SMDH

OMG WTF SMDH

Meanwhile, Manny and Emma are trying to convince Sean to be a hunter in their environmental- themed interpretive dance. Don’t they understand anything about Sean? He’s a wind animal, a free spirit! Not a hunter wearing a leotard. Also, he doesn’t hunt. Emma is so upset. Of course, Toby volunteers eagerly to be the hunter. What a nerd.

As for Terri’s presentation, all we see is a picture of a Ouija board and all we hear is, “There are many mystical oracles, but Ouija and Tarot are  my favorite. Any questions?” Some presentation. This is the second time I’ve been disappointed in something that had evil- potential but crapped out on me. They could have had a really great subplot here. Possession, exorcism. But wait! Terri has a Ouija board and asks for a volunteer. Spinner jumps at the chance and asks if he is really a super-stud, but Mr. Simpson tells him he’s not and demands he ask a more serious question. Sick burn, Mr. S! They’re really entertaining this Ouija thing. I went to Catholic school; I don’t think I could have gotten away with this. Spinner asks the oracle what his first pet was named. The board spells out R-O-C-K-Y. The supernatural is confirmed.

U-S-U-C-K

U-S-U-C-K

Paige asks Ash if she believes in all this mumbo- jumbo and Ash says yes, because her aunt predicted her grandmother’s stroke by reading tea leaves. Seizing an opportunity to exploit Ashley’s beliefs in the supernatural, Paige conspires with Terri to get “the spirits” to make their duo a threesome. They set up a tarot reading, and ask the spirits to tell them what to do… Terri rigs the game and paige pulls the Three of Rods, which represents “creativity”. Ashley is not happy and even goes so far as to call Terri an “amateur”. None of these people are worth being friends with. Paige is pissed and Ash insists it’s never going to happen, but just as she’s about to get all smug, cute little Manny, who was earlier warned via tarot to watch herself, falls down the stairs. Total Kolleen move, by the way, her ankle just twists for no reason. I’m the world’s biggest klutz.

This was the best screencap I could get :(

This was the best screencap I could get 😦

Now Manny’s ankle is broken and she can’t be a panther. This unfortunate accident has Ash convinced, against her better judgement,  that Paige should be allowed to join. She suggests they change their name to “Paige Michalchuk and the Sex Kittens”.  Ash suggests “Three Girls and a Keyboard”. They decide to focus on the song first, name later. Good idea. Both those names are horrendous.

Now that Manny has to be a hunter because she can’t dance, Emma tells Toby he has to do the dancing. Toby doesn’t want to, but his love for Emma trumps his burgeoning masculinity.

Paige and Terri converse in the bathroom. Paige is dressed like a stripper and is convinced they’re going to get a record deal. How far does this ‘Cabaret’ reach, exactly? She’s about to tell Terri her ideas for the song when Ash walks in. She’s not having the costume and Terri and Paige have to scheme to get her to see things their way. Terri doesn’t want to mess with the spirits anymore, so they go to Mr. Simpson and beg a synthesizer off of him. Of course he has to take a trip down dementia lane and reference his old (original Degrassi!) band, the Zoo Remedy. “We even had a video!” he says. GAWD. Old people. Anyway he does some fiddling and comes up with an 80’s rendition of the song that Terri and Ash seem to love. Then he makes this face:

"I'm hip, girls. Right??"

“I’m hip, girls. Right??”

Ash overhears them and gets really upset, regardless of the fact that Mr. Simpson didn’t erase the other version and it’s not a big deal. Paige suggests they ask the oracle. This is really dumb, you guys. Why can’t they just talk it out like normal people? Terri pulls the High Priestess card, meaning go with the new… but she hesitates, so does it REALLY mean that?? We’ll have to see (spoiler: no).

At practice, Toby and Emma keep bumping heads, literally. Is there anything more embarrassing to watch than interpretive dance, by the way? Especially when done by dorky adolescents? I am embarrassed for them. Emma cancels practice and Toby is all bummed out.

The day of the Cabaret, Ash tells the girls she did her own research and has learned that High Priestess means stay with the old! Terri says she lied because Ashley never listens to her. I don’t think Ashley is going to perform with the girls, which is good because I haven’t seen them actually practice once the entire episode.

Liberty begins the Cabaret by saying she trusts everyone will behave themselves. What a killjoy she is. Emma’s group is up first and of course, instead of immediately recycling and going vegan, everyone just laughs at them. I would, too, because I am a bully. Even Manny laughs and she’s IN the damned thing. Sean gets up and tells everyone to STFU. He’s a hero! Poor Toby.

Ash refuses to perform and warns them that the oracle is not going to be pleased. “Terri and Paige” (great name, guys) perform and everyone LOVES them. No broken bones, nothing. In the bathroom, Ash has to admit defeat, and they ask her to join the band and Paige suggests they shorted “Paige Michalchuk and the Sex Kittens” to PMS, which Ash is grossed out by. Terri’s vote breaks the tie– should she consult the oracle? No! Her days of consulting the oracle are OVER. So she does what every normal person would do– throws her tarot cards away. UH HELLO? This makes me SO MAD. How wasteful! Good tarot cards are expensive. And Terri votes for PMS. Great.

This song legitimately lasted 4 seconds

This song legitimately lasted 4 seconds

As Toby is trying to talk to Emma post- performance , she ignores him to thank Sean and kiss him on the cheek. Toby, just stop! Find someone who isn’t rude as hell AND smitten with someone else. It’s like none of these kids have ever read Miss Manners or something.

Guys. Guys. I can’t anymore with these people. WHERE IS CRAIG? Ugh! Anyway that’s Cabaret– a lot of drama and two performances. God, what an episode. I have a headache.

Letty: I can’t believe that Degrassi hasn’t tackled the common problem of demonic possession.  I mean, I myself  have been possessed at least 5 times, it could be more, who knows, in the past year alone.  It is something that all teens face, much like unrequited love.  GET OVER IT TOBES.  I’ll be tackling next Degrassi episode, which is extremely Sean heavy.  To prepare I’ll be buying an industrial size vat of Clearasil pads.

DNG S1 Ep 12: Wannabe

Kolleen: Hey y’all! Sorry we stink and haven’t been updating.  TIMES ARE BUSY/ TOUGH/ etc. But luckily,  Degrassi is ALWAYS there for us. So I’m gonna tell you what you want, what you really really want: I am going to review this Spice Girls’ homage of an episode, Wannabe, just for you.

We open with Liberty interviewing Hazel and Paige about their new school sanctioned club! How EXCITING! It’s a cheerleading club (or team or whatever). Libs wants to know what they would say to someone who thinks cheerleading is ‘sexist’ (is this ‘someone’ YOU, Liberty?) and Hazel only has one thing to say: GET OVER IT!  Also interviewed is some kid we have never seen before who looks kind of like a bizarro version of my friend Ryan.

Who are you, exactly?

Who are you, exactly?

When the interview is over– and before anyone can breathe a relaxing, cleansing sigh of relief that Liberty is gone– Manny shows up wanting in on this cheerleading gig. Paige asks her what she can do, and Manny does an impressive double cartwheel. I could never cartwheel so I am instantly jelly. You hear some off- screen voice say “Wow, look what she can do!” so this is obviously the most exciting thing to ever happen in Degrassi’s hallways. Emma feels like cheerleading is a step backwards for the young feminists of Degrassi, She says she doubts that the men on the squad will be wearing tight shirts and short skirts (to which Manny gasps, “I hope not!” Not cool Manny. Not cool). Manny insists cheerleading is fun and Emma almost throws up all over her. She says she’s “SURPRISED”. Has she been paying attention to Manny at all, ever? She’s a quintessential cheerleader!

Meanwhile, in the cafeteria, Toby and JT are mowing down on Pringles (or some brand that is supposed to be Pringles. I can’t catch the brand name). They are trying to win a contest, as evidenced from this picture:

I love Pringles. I wish I had some.

I love Pringles. I wish I had some.

They’re trying to win some ~*krunk financialz*~ and to do that they need the Ace of Spades and Ace of Clubs but they’re in search for the Clubs, dammit! So they harass Liberty for her “chip” can, and she calls them pathetic. For once, I agree with her. This is lame. Of course Liberty’s can has the Ace of Clubs printed inside, and of COURSE Toby does a terrible job of concealing this. So now they have to share the wealth. Toby, you fool!

Emma and Manny are trying to find a seat when Paige interrupts  asking Manny to do the cartwheel again. Of course you hear that same disembodied voice: “Wow! She’s still amazing!” No shit! She didn’t forget how to cartwheel in half an afternoon. Emma is disgusted. Just disgusted. She’s the only one who hates cheerleading and she wants everyone to conform to her stupid opinion.  Manny just wants the subject dropped.

Liberty is working hard to convince JT and Toby that they need her, so they’ll have to split the pot 50/50– or as Spinner interjects, 45/45 (which doesn’t even make sense!). See, Spinner has been eavesdropping! Oh but wait, he only wants 10%– for “protection”. They for some reason all agree this is a good idea. They’re rich! 1 million smackers!

Outside, Paige and Hazel ask Manny what’s wrong, and like a girl desperate to fit in, she throws Emma right under the feminism bus! Some friend. In an obvious attempt to sway Manny from Emma’s grasp, they ask her if she wants some “girl time” and they all walk away arm in arm, three horribly dressed wenches.

Manny's pants literally go up to right below her boobs.

Manny’s pants literally go up to right below her boobs.

At Manny’s they all dish on who’s hot and who’s not. Just as they start making fun of Emma, she calls, like some stalker with a sixth sense. Manny gives her the ole “I’m sick, please don’t embarrass my new friends with your feminist rhetoric” spiel. Of course Paige opens her big mouth and Emma figures out that Manny has ditched her for cooler chicks.

Oh yeah, and JT can’t find that Pringles container. Idiot.

At cheerleading practice the next day, Hazel demonstrates a terrible toe- touch and Paige says she bets Manny can do it better, which she does, of course, then adds a split for extra gusto. Hazel is not happy. In the hall, Emma looks on, dejected and sad. And a little creepy. And if I know Emma, she is going to go back on her promise not to write about how sexist cheerleading is, all because she feels rejected by her friend.

What a creep

What a creep

And BAM. Faster than you can say “sore loser” Emma is in Lib’s office, asking her if she can submit a last minute article for the Grapevine. WHAT A BITCH. Of course Liberty is all aboard the anti- cheer campaign, probably because cheering requires perfect posture, and as you can see from this picture, Liberty is lacking in that department:

Ole pretzel- posture van Zandt

Ole pretzel- posture van Zandt

Emma’s piece is all about how cheerleaders are bimbos, by the way. It’s insanely slut- shaming and misogynistic  so I suggest she take a Feminist Theory course. Liberty is ok with how harsh it is, but is a little confused as to why Emma is suddenly attacking Manny in a totally passive- aggressive way. Emma calls Manny a phony, then they talk about Liberty’s ugly red cowgirl boots for a bit.

If Craig doesn’t show up soon, I’m going to punch myself in the face.

This episode is so boring. Emma runs into ManPaiZel (my portmanteau for Manny, Paige, and Hazel– feel free to use it) in the hall where a string of not so cutting insults are exchanged: “Shouldn’t you be testing your makeup on ANIMALS?” “Shouldn’t you be hugging a TREE?” I mean listen, ladies, you’ll never make it in the real world if you can’t come up with some unprintable words to call each other. Manny reads Emma’s article and storms off in tears. Emma follows her into the bathroom and they have a fight about how Paige may or may not be using Manny. Emma calls Paige a WANNABE. I don’t know what she wants to be, but she’s a wannabe, dammit. Manny tells Emma that she’s so boring, she wants to scream. Butthurtedness commences.

JT has to admit to Toby that he lost the Ace of Spades can, and Toby FREAKS. They try desperately to retrace JTs steps. Spinner is even ready to beat him up! This is serious. He threatens to stuff JT in his locker– LIGHTBULB! It’s probably in his disease- ridden, hoarded to the hilt locker. He finds the can and guess what– THEY’RE BOTH ACE OF CLUBS. Locker stuffing ensues, and with good cause. clubs

In the hall, Manny sees Paige and Hazel stealing all the copies of the Grapevine. They go to task ripping the op-ed out of each issue. Manny is obviously conflicted but she needs to make this squad, dammit! The peer pressure is so high, it’s borderline hazing. So Manny joins in on the vandalism. Of course it is not long before Emma finds out, and Mr. Simpson has to confront the girls. Paige denies it vehemently (and poorly). Manny’s guilt is overwhelming. She is just about to confess when Paige throws Hazel under the bus!!! OMG. Simpson warns them that more incidents like this will result in activities being cancelled. Manny is so disgusted by Paige’s backstabbing, and she threatens to blame it all on Manny if she spills the beans. She even says “What is your damage?” which is a great insult that I may adopt into my everyday conversations. They have WORDS in the hall in front of everyone! Paige storms away in a huff– I don’t think Manny will be cheering this year.

Emma and Manny tenderly make up. Emma apologizes and Manny says she just wanted to have fun. You know what? She really DID just want to have fun, and because Emma is a childish weirdo she had to make things complicated. I mean it doesn’t help that Paige is such a two- faced jerk, but really, Emma started this chain of events by being really annoying about her ideologies.  THERE IS A TIME AND A PLACE EMMA. Somehow I don’t think she’s learned her lesson.

Whew. What a hard episode to cover, mostly because I know Craig is so close yet he seems so far. See you soon, everyone, and don’t forget to vote in our poll!

Letty: Jeez, with friends like this, who needs enemies? AMIRITE.  I’m glad we have each other Kolleen.  We can just sup on Arbor Mist and hold hands and be merry.  Everyone look for my article in the Grapevine about how poetry is for losers.  SIKE.

P.S. Can I just say how excited I am that we are back and that we are ONE STEP CLOSER TO CRAIG.  I can almost taste him.

DNG S1 Ep 11: Friday Night

Kolleen: OMG you guys. Letty’s computer has busted and I’ve been inundated with schoolwork. Things are out of control, like that old show with Dave Coulier. I can’t even. But I’m at work and I’m bored so let’s further my procrastination with a Degrassi episode! ::It’s Been A While.…::

We open with EMMA of COURSE. I am so bored with Emma and her weird, half crimped hair. Like, if you’re going to crimp your hair, crimp it all the way! What is this?

WHY

It’s Friday in Canada and Sean is trying, in his own bumbling way, to ask Emma to “hang out” tonight. Is it a date? Maybe! Who knows! Sean is the vaguest boy in the world. Why doesn’t he just say how he ~feels~?

Emma’s life is HARD. Toby likes her, but she wishes he didn’t. “Why can’t he like you instead of me?” she says to Manny. Girl, you are NOT all that… stop being a snob. She recounts to Manny what Sean said and now they’re both unsure if it’s a date or if it’s just a friendly chillax sesh. Furrowed brows ensue.

In Miss Quan’s class, permission slips are being passed around for the field trip to Romeo and Juliet. But a persistent tapping is distracting her. It’s Spinner. He’s not listening to her at all! He’s listening to his Discman! Oh man. She takes it from him and gives him detention for a week, A struggle ensues and the Discman is broken (well, the batteries fall out anyway). He’s pissed, and she says it’s his fault. “Keep wasting my time, and I’ll keep wasting yours,” she retorts. Is it me, or is Miss Quan really on edge lately?

In gym, Manny and Emma are still harping on Sean’s intentions. “Couldn’t he have been a bit more romantic?” Emma spits out. Geez, Ems, calm down. You were all psyched about it ten minutes ago. She confronts him and he just says “Yeah” and walks away. So of course, she annihilates him with a dodge ball. Way to show your maturity, Emma. I’m sure you’re emotionally ready for the complexities of a teenage romance.

“If you can dodge teen girl angst you can dodge a ball!”

In the hall, Jimmy, Ashley and Terri discuss how bitchy Miss Quan is. Then Jimmy and Ash start making out and who walks by to stop them? MISS QUAN. What are the odds? She actually says to them, “You two may think you’re adorable, but that doesn’t mean anyone else does.” That is just rude (but true) IMHO. Jimmy tells Spinner in the cafe, and they discuss getting revenge. Jimmy is reluctant though, and do you blame him? He doesn’t want to end up pulling KP too!

Meanwhile Emma and Ash are STILL trying to figure out what the hell is up with Sean. Emma even asked Toby, who insisted that Sean was just being polite. No one has any manners at Degrassi; everyone knows you should not ever ask the boy who likes you about the boy that you like! Paige butts in to ask if Emma needs any advice. Paige insists that it’s officially a date and that boys don’t have any sort of discernible IQ and that’s why they can’t just ask a girl out like a proper gentleman.

In English, which is confusing because I assumed this was the same day but I guess either 1) they have English twice or 2) it’s the next day but isn’t it Friday?, Miss Quan is held up with Mr. Radish. Spinner of course takes this opportunity to do an imitation of her, and since this is television, it means she’ll probably overhear and get mad, even if it IS a spot on imitation. She overhears via the intercom and boom– Jimmy has detention too. In detention, Jimmy and Spinner decide they’ve had enough of Miss Quan’s crap and that they will get their revenge after all. We also learn Spinner is left handed. Cool.

In computer class Sean and Emma chat via AIM and then realize they’re both being stupid. Sean says he’ll pick her up at 7 at her place. Jesus, I hope they can keep these lines of communication clear in the future. At home Emma’s mom tries and fails at giving her advice, then takes this horrible Polaroid of them:

Horrible

Once outside, a bird immediately poops all over Emma’s shoulder, so this will obviously be the best date ever.

Miss Quan is teaching a ESL class at night, so Jimmy and Spinner sneak into the office to use the PA system. As she is giving the class a test on verb tenses, Spinner is chewing loudly into the microphone. This makes Miss Quan CRAZY. She asks the class to stop chewing gum, but of course no one is. She goes to check the office, and no one is there (actually they’re just hiding under the desk– why wouldn’t she look there?). For phase two, they order a bunch of hot wings, which sounds DELICIOUS.

On their hot date, Emma is asserting her feminist ethics and insists on paying for Sean’s food. It’s a veggie burger, and he’s happy which gets her all excited because she thinks he’s a vegetarian, but actually he just is skeeved because his aunt and uncle raise cattle for slaughter. Then he tells her he can’t eat meat anymore…. so he is a vegetarian? What a confusing guy! Later Emma realizes she can’t find her wallet; she thinks she has thrown it out. Sean is nice and digs through the garbage for it, but they can’t find it.

In Miss Quan’s class, the wings have arrived and the students are psyched! However, Miss Quan isn’t– it’s like $50 for those wings. The students help pay so I guess it works out, but being a type A bitch Quan is not happy.

I will eat the chicken wing. I eat the chicken wing. I ate the chicken wing.

Outside, phase 3 is happening: Spinner is pelting Miss Quan’s car with eggs. Jimmy joins in until they see her approaching. They hide in the bushes and watch in horror as she breaks down into tears. Spinner nods in approval of her obvious pain, but Jimmy feels bad.

Those monsters… My parents were eggs.

Sean is digging through a mountain of garbage and Emma recounts her steps… and realizes that it’s in her jacket pocket, after all. Why wouldn’t you check there first? Stupid Emma is always jumping to conclusions. “Someone must have stolen it!!” Did she learn NOTHING from last episode? Embarrassed, she runs away.

Monday at school, Emma is still all stressed about her disastrous date, while her friends… even Toby!… try to reassure her. Sean comes in and asks her for a copy of their date picture, which obviously means he loves her. Crisis averted again.

In English Mr. Radish (hehe) tells the class that Miss Quan has taken a leave of absence for the rest of the term, which means the field trip is cancelled. Terri asks if Miss Quan is okay, and Mr. Radish says that her husband is basically dying and she’s been working overtime to make ends meet, and the pressure was just too much. Cue Jimmy and Spinner feeling like total jerks. Lesson learned?

These episodes… I know I’ve said it before, but they end so strangely… It’s like they can’t think of a way to round out the episode. Cut four minutes of Emma whining about nothing and you can end your plot line in an efficient way. Get it together, Degrassi!

Well that’s it for now, I’ll be back later in the week with more goofy teen drama. Everybody pray for Letty’s technology woes. Maybe someone can send her a new computer? Think about it!

DNG S1 Ep10: Rumors and Reputations

Kolleen: Hey everyone! Sorry I’ve been sort of absent. I have a hell of a sinus infection, then I went away for the weekend. But now I’m back, so here’s episode 10 of DGN season 1, which means we are 5 episodes closer to Craig!!

We begin with Emma not minding her own goddamned business for once in her life. I really am aching for season 2, because we will at least get new characters! Ashley, Emma– BORING. Though if I recall correctly, this is the episode Hazel shows up. Anyway here’s Emma dropping something off to Coach A when— oh my goodness:

WHAT

Scandalous! I’m sure this is not at all easily explainable. Obviously Libs and Coach A are doing it in classrooms all over Degrassi.

Now please pay attention so you can realize the full magnitude of how rumors are spread like wildfire throughout high school hallways across the world:

Emma asks Liberty what she was doing with Mr. Armstrong, and Liberty gets really defensive. Emma even tries to read Lib’s email over her shoulder!

-Emma and JT watch Coach A and talk about how nice of a guy he is. He’s helping Sean with his basketball handling technique, but then he walks over to chat it up with Liberty. He slips Liberty a note… weird. JT is oblivious but Emma is onto something.

-Emma asks Manny if Armstrong has ever touched her. Manny is horrified. Emma says Armstrong was touching Liberty. I want to mention that I owned the sweater Emma was wearing in this scene. It was from Express. I loved it. Anyway Manny says Emma probably has the wrong idea. I love sweet, pure Manny. But no, Emma insists.

Give me back my sweater!

-Terri overhears this conversation and tells Paige that she heard Mr. A was coming on to Liberty. By the way, what was up with crimped hair in Canada in the early 2000’s? Was that a thing? Paige says you can’t report a rumor, then she’s a wicked bitch to Mr. A (Coach A, both, whatever). She texts someone…

HAZEL! Yay! Hazel’s here, everyone! Hazel is played by Andrea Lewis and her first speaking role on this show is telling someone on the phone that Liberty and Mr. Coach A were KISSING outside in front of everyone.

Rumor Has It!

Sean overhears this. He elaborates, asking Spinner if he thinks they spent the night together. HE IS DISGUSTED. I like that Sean has morals.

Spinner tells Jimmy that Liberty and Armstrong are “doing it”.

Jimmy emails Ashley about it.

In the student council meeting, everyone is super awkward around Liberty. Liberty thinks that it’s about stolen microphones, but Ashley’s like, oh honey no. Ashley tells her what everyone is saying and Liberty is horrified and runs away.

The next day, Emma, Manny and JT are talking about it like it isn’t yesterday’s news. Should they report it? It’s so disgusting… they’re all so horrified. In walks Liberty and of course she runs away, ashamed, for the 100th time this episode. Emma follows her and says she can confide in her, and Liberty says it’s just a rumor. Emma says they should track down the rumor’s source. Does she have brain damage? Does she not remember YESTERDAY at all? Emma is the worst. Liberty is consorting with the enemy and she doesn’t even know. Now Emma is going to play that “retrace your steps” thing like they did on Sesame Street. And of course, what does Emma learn?

She was the one. She started this rumor. She is GUILTY.

IT WAS YOU.

In math class, Emma is about to confess to Liberty when Mr. Radish comes in and asks if he can speak to Mr. A AND Liberty. Emma is so guilt ridden she bursts into the office and confesses everything!!! Later, she finds Liberty in tears in the bathroom. Liberty yells at Emma because Mr. A almost lost his job and Emma still insists on knowing what was happening in the first place. We learn Liberty has dyscalculia, and he was just helping her with it. She tells Emma to go back to saving whales because she sucks at saving people. This was the moment I fell in love with Liberty a little. She might just make it after all.

In the show’s side story, Spinner (woah, lots of s’s) is DISGUSTED with the cafeteria’s food. SO GROSS. The cafeteria attendant, Sheila, threatens Spinner with VIOLENCE. But gross… there is a BUG in his food. He flings it in horror, so of course Sheila doesn’t believe him.

Paige, Ashley and Jimmy don’t believe him. Jimmy says he saw something, but wasn’t sure what it was. Spinner insists it was an earwig. GROSS. I hate earwigs. Mrs. Quan overhears Spinner and says that he can’t be throwing around accusations all willy- nilly and demands to see the bug, like he kept it or something. Give me a break. I hate this woman, by the way.

Spinner, to prove his bug- story, spends all night collecting earwigs and plans on planting them in the food. Brilliant. He throws them all on Ashley’s food when she’s not looking; she freaks out and dumps over his container of earwigs. And in walks Mrs. Quan. Why couldn’t Spinner just demand a QC investigation into the school food?

As punishment, Spinner has to work in the bug- ridden cafeteria, and no one ever looks into the problem. Jimmy and Ashley laugh at him like he’s an asshole. Cute. The grand irony is that his stunt cost the school $300 to exterminate, but it needed to be exterminated, anyway.

This is an odd episode, something I’ve come to expect from season 1. How is it Emma doesn’t remember spreading a rumor the day before? Why is it no one believes Spinner’s bug story? Oh, to be with Craig in season 2… only a few more episodes.

Letty: Oh Emma, Emma, Emma.  Why are you such a turd?

DNG S1 Ep9: Coming of Age

Kolleen:  Hey guys! It’s Jimmy’s birthday!!! This is appropriate because it’s going to be Letty’s son’s birthday and today is my friend Jon’s birthday, so it’s like birthday central over here. I have a head cold and slept until 3pm today, but I will try to be somewhat entertaining.

Jimmy is all about being a man now that he’s turning 14. He invites Ashley over to his house for a birthday feast! She scoffs at the idea of ordering another pizza at the Jimster’s, but he promises his mom is making lobster for everyone. Ashley is shocked. I feel like Jimmy’s parent’s may be a wee bit absentee.  Jimmy kisses Ashley goodbye and she smiles like he just molested her dog and then as he leaves she rolls her eyes like he just farted in her face. She is SICK of him, guys. He’s had dinner at her house every night for the past 8 nights! This totally means he’s being a huge pest and isn’t at all lonely or something.

Dinner? Again? What a pain in the ass!

Ashley feels so suffocated that she lies to Jimmy and says she and Terri are having a girl’s night so please don’t bother coming over.

Meanwhile in Media, Sean has found this cool new website that tells your future based on stars and your birthday and stuff. He’s stumbled onto MissCleo.com! Emma rolls her eyes because Sean is too poor to know what astrology is. Manny wants to know all about her future, and Emma is totally pissed off because they all have an astronomy test in 15 minutes and no one wants to study how many moons Jupiter has (13). Come test time Emma feels like she’s failed and lashes out at Manny. Why is she being such a crab-apple?

At home, Terri and Ashley are all about their girls’ night until she sees Jimmy shooting hoops with Toby. He says to pretend like he’s not there. YEAH RIGHT. She complains to her mom about how she’s so sick of him and her mom reminds her that Jimmy is always alone and has really crappy parents. Ashley is so selfish.

At Emma’s, a horrible soap opera plays: “We are born alone, we die alone, we shouldn’t live our lives alone”. First of all, we are NOT born alone. To be born, one must come out of one’s mother– so that’s instantly “not alone”. Plus there are usually doctors and stuff around. This guys is way off the mark. But Emma is legit SOBBING over it, and into a bag of chips.

;___;

She talks to her mom about how humans are just little specks in the universe, and her mom tells her she totally understands and takes her out for some “retail therapy”. Everything is going well– Emma gets a new sweater!– until this creep ruins everything:

“I’d like a lick of your cone”

He makes a sexual innuendo regarding their ice cream cones and Spike is not happy. She says she knows what he was referring to and guess what, you can’t talk to young women that way! He says he was kidding and she reminds him about rape culture. She tells Emma not to ever let a guy make her feel bad for being a female.

Ashley yells at Toby for having Jimmy over for dinner, and tells Terri she feels so suffocated that she should just break up with him. Toby immediately drops a plate. Now’s your chance, Tobes!

The next day at school Emma is wearing her new sweater with her white skirt. Wait a minute– bitchy attitude, roller- coaster emotions, white skirt… I get what’s happening here. In the halls Jimmy gets bombarded with calls of “Happy Birthday!” and doused with Silly String. Tobes makes some weird analogy to not suffocating the basketball being like not suffocating girls and Jimmy is like “IS THAT HOW ASHLEY FEELS?”. Way to go, Toby, you’re ruining the one good thing Degrassi has.

Sean approaches Emma outside to apologize for looking up interesting things when he should have been helping her learn which planets have rings. She says it’s her fault for acting like a psychopath and asks him to read her horoscope before class. She stands to leave and Manny quickly pulls her down and tells her that it looks like Emma has sat on a severed pig’s head. Emma gets all frazzled and shoos Sean away. Will she be stuck on that bench forever?

Jimmy tells Ashley not to bother coming to LobsterFest tonight, and she’s like, “BUT ITS YOUR BIRTHHHHDAY”. He rolls his eyes at her. How does it feel, Ash? Getting a taste of your own eye- rolling medicine? Meanwhile Emma and Manny are shuffling off to the bathroom with Manny holding a notebook over Emma’s period- stain. She says they should celebrate because Emma is a woman now and can get pregnant. Oh Manny, you are a delight.

Not getting that notebook back.

So now Emma and Manny are trying desperately to figure out how to hide this monstrosity of an event, since it’s basically summer and they have no jackets, and both of their gym shorts are at home being washed. Manny leaves to figure it out and Emma is horrified. They have a big book report to present! Look, here’s some real talk: the same thing happened to me when I was in 8th grade (it wasn’t my first period, but it was a nightmarish one) and I just had someone take me home. Screw the book report, Ems! You’re a woman now, go home and eat some ice cream!

Ashley tells Toby to let the fam know that she’ll be at Jimmy’s for dinner, and he asks her why she’s even bothering when she’s just going to dump Jimmy. He reminds her that it’s totally rude to bring people into your life just to ditch them. I feel like he’s talking more about him mom than anyone here, you know? Poor kid.

Emma is still in the ladies’ room, missing class like a cool kid, when in waltzes PAIGE. Oh god, what bs is Paige going to pull with poor Emma? Shockingly, nothing… she’s actually helpful, handing her a pad (with wings! Always a lifesaver) and telling her how awesome it is be a woman with boobs. Emma says she doesn’t want to turn out like whorish Paige and Paige is like YOU WISH. Manny comes bursting into the bathroom with gym shorts that are at least a size 13XXX. What a help, this girl is. They bust in late to Mrs. Quan’s class, Emma struggling to keep those shorts on.  JT and Toby start cracking jokes and ask her if she peed her pants and she tells the whole class that she just got her period for the first time! What bravery!

“Oh no, she didn’t!”

Sean seems WAY too proud of Emma, and quite frankly a little turned on. It’s sort of bizarre, really.

Jimmy and Ashley show up at his house and no one is there. It’s so sad. He’s so excited and they just totally ditched him. ON HIS BIRTHDAY. He checks his messages and his parents are working late again. Ashley invites him to her house for wings and he says Toby told him she was feeling suffocated and asks if she wants to break up. They have a fight… this is obviously projection. She leaves and he calls the pizza place, and they know him by name! “Yup, the usual, medium pepperoni.” Full circle.

The next day Emma tells Manny that she doesn’t feel any different, but her mom’s rant at that potential rapist inspired her to write up a petition to have a tampon machine put into the girl’s bathroom. I’m pretty sure she could just ASK Mr. Radish but of course everything has to be some weird campaign. Paige signs it, then asks Sean if he wants to sign too (to embarrass Emma, of course). He does, saying if Emma came up with it, it must be good! SWOON.

Jimmy and Ashley meet up at the lockers. She says she doesn’t want to break up and he’s overreacting. He hugs her and tells her he loves her. And once again the episode just ends. This episode tricked me. I thought it would be mostly about Jimmy “coming of age” because it was his birthday, but it was just about Emma’s ruined white skirt. Oh Degrassi, I never know what I’ll get with you!

Letty: Emma is a strong, independent woman who don’t need no man to take care of her.